Birthday Wishes

Today is my birthday and it only seems fit that if I had to post, it’d have to be faith related.

I found those beautiful prayers online

I dedicate them to whoever is also celebrating his/her birthday today.

A happy birthday to y’all too. May this new year bring us answers to our questions, virtues, love, growth, success, spiritual depth, confidence, courage, wisdom… and may we live to see another one. May God bless, protect and support us throughout this new year but more importantly, may we recognize His presence in our lives and strive to get closer to Him. Amen.

Okay, what is poetry?

Okay, what is poetry?”, I got asked by a snooping little girl holding open one of my many notebooks.

I was horrified, she clearly had read something but what? There’s no need to introduce this young girl to feelings she probably couldn’t understand. The profanity, the vulgarity, the explicitly of certain poems weren’t really what bothered me, but corrupting a young mind that shouldn’t have to deal with some of my deepest and darkest feelings got me petrified.

Then, other questions started popping up :

What if she tells everyone?? What if she starts asking others questions? What if she researches herself what she doesn’t understand? What if she asks her teachers?? …

One question amongst them all terrified me:

What if she asked me if those are my true feelings?

Well, it’s not that difficult to lie to a young child or to distract them from the matters at hand, to be quite honest it wouldn’t even be challenging to convince her that those writings were past homeworks.

But did I want it to? Children are way easier to speak to, when they don’t understand something or get curious, they get super quiet and are attentive listeners. I could easily dumb it down or beautify it for her and still get it off my chest. But then, what would have been the point of telling her at all?

If I did a good job, she’d never ask about it again and if I did poorly, well, one word : catastrophy, curiosity at a peak, questions upon questions at any given time.

What if I told her the whole truth? What is the whole truth? That I get very anxious? That I get very sad? That sometimes, I feel nothing at all? That I envy those who have blond hair because they can color so much easier? It digs so deep and sometimes only brushes the surface.

And by the time I’ve been struggling with all of those questions, she had already gotten bored and was heading out of the room.

“It doesn’t matter”, she said as she disappeared from my sight.

“Hmm… I guess you’re right”, I replied a few seconds later.

Broken friendship

Today is a sad day, at least a sad moment of the day.

I was looking for a conversation on facebook messenger and went way back. I read a convo with a girl that used to be a good friend of mine, more like a girl I used to be a great friend of. Who would have thought that we wouldn’t talk to each other again for more than 5 years now. She’s not somebody that I’m estranged from, we broke up, our friendship was done for. More like she was done with me and jumped on the first occasion she found to dump me. And it broke my heart because she was so dear to me and she is still a bit precious to me, I couldn’t possibly ever wish her anything but well even if my ego speaks the opposite when people ask. Slowly, I realized that back then I used to be the one to always start conversations, to always text or call her, to always try to meet with her, to always try to catch up and deepen our friendship, the one making most of the efforts. I realize now how naive I used to be, how blind I was. We went to school together, she knew so much about me, we went through so much together and she used to trust me with some of her secrets but now that I know what I know, it seems like she was laying traps and waiting for me to fall into one of them. While reading our conversations and coming to terms with reality, I felt so much sadness, hurt and also a strong desire to reconnect. We used to talked about our future, how our children would be friends also, how we would have each other’s back and check our husbands, how we would react when the other would get pregnant and how accurate our pregnancy stories back then would be compared to the actual ones in the future. Presently she’s a mother and it hurts to know that we won’t be those meddling mothers trying to link our children together like we planned in the past. And I wonder if she feels the same about me, if her chest is also heavy realizing that we live not so far away from each other, that we might actually bump into each other in the streets or somewhere but that we won’t have anything to say to each other… oh Lord, I even feel like that she’d go as far as avoiding me on purpose after we made eye contact.

So many times tonight, I asked myself what went wrong, what I did wrong, if I was too clingy, if she truly wanted to eject me of her life so badly that she jumped on the first accusation to do so, what I could’ve possibly done to provoke that reaction or to avoid it, so many whys and ifs. And it also made me think about how close you can really be to someone, you know. Is it really worth it to invest so much in a relationship, to care so much for someone, like family, for it only to end, at best, just like that, with the snap of a finger?? Do I really need company that bad that I would get into such a deep friendship with someone again??? Should I take a plunge that deep ever again?

Friendship is such a beautiful thing and I don’t regret those genuine times we spent together and it outweighs the pain of the breakup just a little bit… but at the same time, who goes through the hardships of investments only for a small change in revenue?

I just can’t…

I’ve been in a lot of stages in my life. And I must say that this one is totally new to me. I guess the perks of getting older. I’ve completed renounce on life. I don’t mean I want to end it. I mean that I’m done with expectations, done with hope, done with relationships, done with emotions and feelings, done with everything.

I have a question? Have you felt alone while receiving attention? This one also is a new groundbreaking one. I have a good support system right now and for some reason I can’t absorb any of it. It’s like I’m impermeable to it, to the love, the affection, the support.

Everything bothers me, and I so want to get into my own little world and just throw my social life away. I don’t even know how to really explain what I’m going through. I don’t know if it’s me being dramatic and capricious or if I’m really going through something I can’t identify.

What I guess would be considered even worse in this situation is that I don’t care. I don’t care to discover what is going on, what is it I’m feeling, why I can’t accept those great emotions directed towards me. The only real way I can explain this would be that the vessel to receive all of this is gone and I can’t store or absorb any so I’m no longer bothered to think about this.

I don’t know. I’ve been feeling this way a moment now and all my happy triggers don’t work. Music doesn’t work, favorite drinks and food either, dark chocolate feels like I’m inviting cavities, and my hair. Oh my God, I used to treat my hair as therapy, I would change the hairstyle or the color whenever something wasn’t right but now if I could cut it all off and not have to worry about it, I would. And finally, I’m sad to say that my relationship with God is thinning out because of this also. I mean if everything is already written, why bother. If He already has drawn my destiny, why would I complain, give thanks or ask forgiveness for? It will happen whether I like it or not. What is it to talk about with the One that knows everything before it happens and everything about me.

I just can’t..

Waking Up From A Nightmare

This morning I got woken up by my fears. You know when you have those dreams, that feel so real that your heart and your brain are still trying to process the truth from the illusion. And there are some other cases when it even shakes your soul. Well that dream was one of those. A very heavily demonized one where everyone else around me had already turned, where I had failed the only human being that I had faith in me, my brother and where I failed to discern the good from the bad and basically handed over my rescuer. And I couldn’t go back to sleep. My mind was confused, my heart was still panicking and my soul felt tested. Worst was, I couldn’t come back from it.

Now it was just a dream, a very very bad one, which left a big impression on me.

My Hair Color Journey

Hair dye is something I’ve been fascinated with for a long time, low-key an obsession. Sometimes, when I’m pondering on bleach, I get envious of blondes who got it cut out for them, a good canvas that needs little to no preparation depending how light it is.