Planet Earth is very old, withholds a lot of knowledge that most of it still is a secret to us and most importantly hosts us. And we tend to forget that.

We tend to forget that with no Earth, our race will perish. So we exploit it however we like because we’ve come to a point where we have already exploited everything else and have been desensitized to the catastrophies and collateral damage we leave behind. Species are going extinct, more deserts are forming, water and vegetation are rare in some places whereas the sea level is dangerously rising. This post is not going to be about the environment or global warming but everything is interconnected.

Because we felt so little and were so casual with what we ingest, what we breathe and what we do to other people, we’ve come to a place where we also allow and encourage harm to ourselves.

Fear, self-protection and self-defense have driven us to actually permit ourselves to be hurt so we can survive or we can have a “good” lifestyle. This post will not be about government policies either.

This post is about you, it’s about me. This time of year, Advent / Christmas holidays, normally inspires other to do good, specially if you’ve been brought up with the rewarding character cultures like Santa Claus. You’ve probably been told multiple times to avoid doing wrong to others, to cultivate good values and always do what is right, I know I have. I also realize it’s a bit idealistic, specially in those days where everything is blurred and everything seems to have a hidden agenda, to believe that by upholding your values -in my case christian values- you can actually do some good to this world. But, many times, I’ve experienced it to be true.

What I’m trying to say is stemming from this period that we’re just stepping in, known to most as Christmas or the holidays and known to us Christians as Advent. It’s joyous, it’s glittering, it’s romantic, it’s cozy, it’s familial, it’s marveling. It reunites people, it brings gifts and chants, it also causes spending and loneliness… The shinier the light, the bigger the shadow. Everywhere you look, everything seems to be gleaming, glinting, sparkling, simmering, your eyes hurt from all this light. But if you be attentive, if you look behind the decorations, if you watch closely around, you’ll not only notice the shadows for what they are but also see them move. That homeless guy, that overwhelmed mother, this abandoned senile senior, the incapacitated veteran, the addicts, the orphans, those affected by sickness and death, the amount of litter and trash, all those abused and abandoned animals, the way too much fur from “exotic” animals…

This is not a post to accuse you or make you feel guilty either. There’s nothing wrong with looking for happiness in Christmas, it’s a time to rejoice and celebrate, Christ was born! Centering yourself on the “holiday” part surely doesn’t make you a bad person. You probably have your own ritual already, if you’re one of the blessed ones, you’ll prepare for the big celebrating dinner, you’ll already have parties after parties planned, you’ve already set a whole strategy for work, you’re flying to other places or to your loved ones, you’re getting cozy with local stereotypical customs… If you’re on the “unlucky” side, you’re dreading the period, all kind of negative thoughts and feelings are coming to the surface, the lights seem dull or far away, they seem to shine over everyone but you, they remind you of your failures, your shortcomings, they stress you out, you just can’t… You shouldn’t feel guilty because you’ve been blessed enough to enjoy it, you shouldn’t feel like crap because like, everything else, you can’t enjoy it.

When I touch on this subject in everyday life, I get many types of reactions but on this post, I’ll focus on a few.

  • “What about my situation?” type of reaction. You may actually be one of those shadows moving, you may also always have been a shadow, invisible to the rest of the world and surely, should be the one benefiting the help. And I’m not denying that, I’m not trying to underestimate your struggles or your situation but I do hope that you can find a silver lining. You may be sick, poor, incapacitated, bound and tied by the miseries in your life and it may feel like you can’t breathe anymore, sometimes literally. In your case, I would say that the fact that you’re living to see another day every single day, that you’re still fighting, that you’re still here, no matter how corny and simplistic as it may sound, is a silver lining. The internet is full of those stories where people in need of help unexpectedly change their lives around or change others’ for the better just by choosing to keep on living every second of every day.
  • “Like I’m not doing enough” type of reaction. Normally these people are already involved in an activity actively or passively and are either getting lazy or discouraged. There’s nothing wrong with only sponsoring a forest or an unfortunate person’s education. It surely helps but if you can do a tad bit more, and I know this sound very pushy or egoistic, please do. I’m not telling you to ruin your life, finances or health for others but if you can sponsor a forest and also visit a senior citizen for example, please find the motivation and courage in yourself to do so. And if you’re someone that’s already doing the maximum that she can do whether it’s for herself or another, I hope you can find the strength everyday to keep on going and pick up whenever you falter or after you take a break.
  • “Good for you, stop talking about it” type of reaction. For starters, I’m not a motivational speaker nor am I the most altruistic or the most zealous Christian to pretend I’m always talking people into doing better but the few times I do, I’m not trying to seem better, I’m really trying to get us both to do better, by reassuring and encouraging you I’m also reminding myself of what a helping hand can do to the wounded, whom could also be me.
  • “I also think the same” reaction. Well, even better, what can we do to better ourselves, help others and how can we keep it going but also how can we help ourselves get back on the horse, how can we continue to impact positively this world and it’s inhabitants. Which concrete actions can we lay out, which groups can we join… Let’s motivate each other into action.

I’m not saying you’ll always have someone to make you look back at what good you’ve been doing and congratulate you for it. Nope. Heck, I’ve invested myself in many other activities that others simply disregarded but I continued, knowing that it helps me, it helps others, it betters somebody’s else future. And this feeling sometimes is even better than recognition, sometimes it brings out the blues, sometimes it makes you feel like you’re wasting your time but the others around me help me keep me on my feet, keep me from quitting. And you may ask yourself how can you do so? Do you have to plant a tree every year? Should you sponsor somebody? Should you do volunteer work? Those are great to be honest, you should find something that aligns with your principles and you feel you can do on the long run or follow up with another one once you’re done and you feel up to it again. For example, some people only eat food that’s traceable. Some people do rallies or petitions to help raise awareness or take actions against an injustice. Some people open their houses to missionaries. Some people travel the world to help others. Some people become missionaries themselves. Most parents raise and guide their children the most righteously possible. Others fully live their lives respectful of others. Others recycle. Others rescue. Others are simply everyday life heroes. So many examples, better the world the best way you can, everyday, one action, one positive thought, one breath at a time.

The point of this post is, truthfully, to inspire to do good, to involve yourself in activities that promote and encourage goodness in the human heart. The point is to feel, live and spread love. It’s not easy, it’s FOR EVER, it’s draining, there’s no reward guaranteed on either of those actions, there’s no recognition or acknowledgement guaranteed either but there’s growth to be acquired, there’s love to be lived, there are souls to be saved and lives to be changed, there’s a planet to heal, there’s a closeness to God to be gained. It may not seem much, but your impact exists, it’s valuable, so don’t stop stepping forward, continue spreading love, keep on doing good. It’s idealistic, may seem unrealistic but it’s still true.

Birthday Wishes

Today is my birthday and it only seems fit that if I had to post, it’d have to be faith related.

I found those beautiful prayers online

I dedicate them to whoever is also celebrating his/her birthday today.

A happy birthday to y’all too. May this new year bring us answers to our questions, virtues, love, growth, success, spiritual depth, confidence, courage, wisdom… and may we live to see another one. May God bless, protect and support us throughout this new year but more importantly, may we recognize His presence in our lives and strive to get closer to Him. Amen.

Okay, what is poetry?

Okay, what is poetry?”, I got asked by a snooping little girl holding open one of my many notebooks.

I was horrified, she clearly had read something but what? There’s no need to introduce this young girl to feelings she probably couldn’t understand. The profanity, the vulgarity, the explicitly of certain poems weren’t really what bothered me, but corrupting a young mind that shouldn’t have to deal with some of my deepest and darkest feelings got me petrified.

Then, other questions started popping up :

What if she tells everyone?? What if she starts asking others questions? What if she researches herself what she doesn’t understand? What if she asks her teachers?? …

One question amongst them all terrified me:

What if she asked me if those are my true feelings?

Well, it’s not that difficult to lie to a young child or to distract them from the matters at hand, to be quite honest it wouldn’t even be challenging to convince her that those writings were past homeworks.

But did I want it to? Children are way easier to speak to, when they don’t understand something or get curious, they get super quiet and are attentive listeners. I could easily dumb it down or beautify it for her and still get it off my chest. But then, what would have been the point of telling her at all?

If I did a good job, she’d never ask about it again and if I did poorly, well, one word : catastrophy, curiosity at a peak, questions upon questions at any given time.

What if I told her the whole truth? What is the whole truth? That I get very anxious? That I get very sad? That sometimes, I feel nothing at all? That I envy those who have blond hair because they can color so much easier? It digs so deep and sometimes only brushes the surface.

And by the time I’ve been struggling with all of those questions, she had already gotten bored and was heading out of the room.

“It doesn’t matter”, she said as she disappeared from my sight.

“Hmm… I guess you’re right”, I replied a few seconds later.

Broken friendship

Today is a sad day, at least a sad moment of the day.

I was looking for a conversation on facebook messenger and went way back. I read a convo with a girl that used to be a good friend of mine, more like a girl I used to be a great friend of. Who would have thought that we wouldn’t talk to each other again for more than 5 years now. She’s not somebody that I’m estranged from, we broke up, our friendship was done for. More like she was done with me and jumped on the first occasion she found to dump me. And it broke my heart because she was so dear to me and she is still a bit precious to me, I couldn’t possibly ever wish her anything but well even if my ego speaks the opposite when people ask. Slowly, I realized that back then I used to be the one to always start conversations, to always text or call her, to always try to meet with her, to always try to catch up and deepen our friendship, the one making most of the efforts. I realize now how naive I used to be, how blind I was. We went to school together, she knew so much about me, we went through so much together and she used to trust me with some of her secrets but now that I know what I know, it seems like she was laying traps and waiting for me to fall into one of them. While reading our conversations and coming to terms with reality, I felt so much sadness, hurt and also a strong desire to reconnect. We used to talked about our future, how our children would be friends also, how we would have each other’s back and check our husbands, how we would react when the other would get pregnant and how accurate our pregnancy stories back then would be compared to the actual ones in the future. Presently she’s a mother and it hurts to know that we won’t be those meddling mothers trying to link our children together like we planned in the past. And I wonder if she feels the same about me, if her chest is also heavy realizing that we live not so far away from each other, that we might actually bump into each other in the streets or somewhere but that we won’t have anything to say to each other… oh Lord, I even feel like that she’d go as far as avoiding me on purpose after we made eye contact.

So many times tonight, I asked myself what went wrong, what I did wrong, if I was too clingy, if she truly wanted to eject me of her life so badly that she jumped on the first accusation to do so, what I could’ve possibly done to provoke that reaction or to avoid it, so many whys and ifs. And it also made me think about how close you can really be to someone, you know. Is it really worth it to invest so much in a relationship, to care so much for someone, like family, for it only to end, at best, just like that, with the snap of a finger?? Do I really need company that bad that I would get into such a deep friendship with someone again??? Should I take a plunge that deep ever again?

Friendship is such a beautiful thing and I don’t regret those genuine times we spent together and it outweighs the pain of the breakup just a little bit… but at the same time, who goes through the hardships of investments only for a small change in revenue?

I just can’t…

I’ve been in a lot of stages in my life. And I must say that this one is totally new to me. I guess the perks of getting older. I’ve completed renounce on life. I don’t mean I want to end it. I mean that I’m done with expectations, done with hope, done with relationships, done with emotions and feelings, done with everything.

I have a question? Have you felt alone while receiving attention? This one also is a new groundbreaking one. I have a good support system right now and for some reason I can’t absorb any of it. It’s like I’m impermeable to it, to the love, the affection, the support.

Everything bothers me, and I so want to get into my own little world and just throw my social life away. I don’t even know how to really explain what I’m going through. I don’t know if it’s me being dramatic and capricious or if I’m really going through something I can’t identify.

What I guess would be considered even worse in this situation is that I don’t care. I don’t care to discover what is going on, what is it I’m feeling, why I can’t accept those great emotions directed towards me. The only real way I can explain this would be that the vessel to receive all of this is gone and I can’t store or absorb any so I’m no longer bothered to think about this.

I don’t know. I’ve been feeling this way a moment now and all my happy triggers don’t work. Music doesn’t work, favorite drinks and food either, dark chocolate feels like I’m inviting cavities, and my hair. Oh my God, I used to treat my hair as therapy, I would change the hairstyle or the color whenever something wasn’t right but now if I could cut it all off and not have to worry about it, I would. And finally, I’m sad to say that my relationship with God is thinning out because of this also. I mean if everything is already written, why bother. If He already has drawn my destiny, why would I complain, give thanks or ask forgiveness for? It will happen whether I like it or not. What is it to talk about with the One that knows everything before it happens and everything about me.

I just can’t..