Turn up the lights in here, baby
Extra bright, I want y’all to see this
Turn up the lights in here, baby
You know what I need, want you to see everything
Want you to see all of the lights
Getting mine, baby
Got to let these niggas know
Getting right, babe
You should go and get your own
All Of The Lights, Kanye West feat. Rihanna & Kid Cudi
Work it harder, make it better
Do it faster, make us stronger
More than ever, hour after hour
Work is never over
That don’t kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
Cause I can’t wait much longer
I know I got to be right now
Cause I can’t get much wronger
Man, I’ve been waiting all night now
That’s how long I’ve been on ya
Stronger, Kanye West feat. Daft Punk
Sometimes you just feel like…
And sometimes you’re in a certain mood only because…
Now to my naturalista sisters out there, surely you heard this comment before
Because of that, people tend / want to touch or smell our hair
Sometimes, they need twice the warning… And a bit of threatening 😜
One of the biggest discovery of my journey for great hair care
I personally think it’s a myth
Now, while I do treat and care for my hair at home. I do seek help from time to time, whether it’s from a professional or from a person experienced in hair care, #shoutouttoyall
Attention : With bigger hair comes bigger responsibilities and… A lot of sass
But also a bigger head
Now, this pictures perfectly my obsession with my actual hair “state”
There’s something about accepting all of yourself, even if it’s hard. At the end of the day and of the struggles, you feel empowered. Because I have a crown people 👑
Now, that’s just me bragging 😁
Anyway, whatever hair you’re rocking
A parting way influenced by Gossip Girl (no, I’m not into it! Only watch a full season out of boredom😰. Okay, you’ll never catch me alive saying I like it 🤐)
I don’t know if I’m making any sense, if what I’m about to say is logical or if I’m only trying to cover for my actions, if I’m only making excuses for my weird behavior. I can only say for sure that it was what I felt, what I lived.
I felt like I was cornered, like I only had one way to go. Everything was blurry, shady, too dark to be seen. I remember sitting on my bed and gradually slipping to the floor. I remember seeing everything dark; black, dark grey and medium grey were the only hues my eyes perceived. I remember thinking I was going crazy. I remember yelling, crying. I remember having an anxiety attack, feeling like my heart was about to burst then I remember feeling empty, like my heart exploded, like there was a hole in my chest. I remember putting my hand on my chest and feeling nothing, not a pulse, not a beating, not a sound, nothing. And I remember, noticing that my world was mute. I remember trying to freak out but not being able to, I remember trying to feel anxious because I couldn’t freak out but not being able to. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks, only because I touched my face and felt water. I remember looking at it weirdly and tasting it, anticipating blood. I remember my sudden hunger for blood, mine, to see it flow everywhere and color my bedroom red. I remember wanting so much to see me drowning in my whole blood, thinking how the color would forever stick in my hair. I remember feeling the adrenaline rush in me and hearing my heartbeat after a long time. My heart was pumping blood like crazy, my hands became red, my head became hot. My thoughts were rushing around one idea, one idea only, the supremacy of only three words : Let. Yourself. Bleed.
Bleed until the end, bleed until the color repaints the room, bleed until you become the color, bleed until you can bathe in it. For the love of God, just bleed for the sake of it, bleed until there’s nothing flowing anymore, just bleed.
I remember my mother, entering the room at this moment. I remember her screaming at me -my two hands on my head, head down, still sitting on the floor- for forgetting to do something I promised her I would have done instead of her. I remember her storming out of the room, mad at me, talking loudly so everybody in the house could hear. I remember my shocked face, being suddenly dragged into reality, seeing life in color again. But mostly, I remember feeling awkward about it, the colors made me anxious and my mom wasn’t a person anymore but an angry shadowy ball, a hungry black hole sucking me in. I remember tuning out, turning deaf again, I remember getting lost until my mother hugged me out of nowhere. I remember her warmth, I remember the smooth sound of her voice, her sweet and spicy smell. I remember tasting her love, I remember bawling inside while trying my best to keep my tears to myself on the outside. I remember apologizing…
“Mom, I’m sorry, so sorry for-“, I said before interrupting myself so she wouldn’t notice my trembling voice.
“It’s okay honey, it’s alright. Everything’s fine. “, she said.
But mom, I didn’t mean it this way. I’m sorry I’m such a coward that I wouldn’t let my “red” out.
I got nominated by Jocelyn for the ❤ One Lovely Blog Award ❤. This came up as a surprise for me because I don’t really think my blog is “lovely”. I use it as a way to convey my thoughts and feelings but also to organize the mess in my head, in a way, I feel like my blog is even messier haha..
So what’s the One Lovely Blog Award? Like all the other blog awards out there, it’s an initiative to reward all those great blogs in the infinite web, to show appreciation and support to those bloggers that keep feeding your hunger of reading (if I may use this metaphor). But I also like to think that it’s an opportunity to know about those bloggers since you are asked to share more about who you are and promote every blog since you’re also asked to nominate many others.
Now, to the rules :
I would like to thank the blogger Jocelyn of She Who Hears for nominating me. In her blog, Jocelyn writes about her struggle and recovering of drug addiction, her favorite songs, books ; here and there, you may read some of her original stories and poetry. It’s a really interesting blog and most of her shared experiences are honest and open (which I like), after all, she even inspired my latest story You’re everywhere (don’t know if I mentioned it already), fortunately her ending is different. Anyway thank you very much Jocelyn, it kinda took me off guard but it makes me really happy 😊.
So 7 facts (and more, can go up to 15) about myself :
- I suffer from depression 🤐. It has been this way since I was really young, a child.
- I enjoy writing 🤗. I’ve been doing it since I was a child too. I have a lot of old notebooks filled with my thoughts and writings but also drafts of book on my computer.
- If you read my blog then you already got a hint of that, I have a very bad relationship with my father 😡who I qualify as irresponsible and harmful to my sanity.
- My favorite color is yellow 💛. But I don’t only see it as a color, it has been an obsession for me, I even wrote a fairytale story about it for my essay exam when I was in my last year of middle school (I got a good grade BTW 😏).
- I’m truly lazy😅. More than an adjective, it has become my lifestyle and in order to not have to quit it, I’ve became a fast and efficient worker (getting all of my work properly and correctly done before enjoying the happiness of doing nothing 🙃).
- I’m in love with my natural coily hair 😘, which obviously implies that yes, I’m black 😊.
- I’m a religious and spiritual catholic😇. It doesn’t matter what I say or do, at the end of the day, I still fear and love God who I’m very grateful to. If I did wrong, I will ask for His forgiveness and at least, pray once a day (even if I only do the sign of the cross). I was also consecrated to Virgin Mary who I am devoted to, as much as it can get since she’s only human.
- The most obvious one, I’m a woman👩 (a young one at that since I’m only 22🙄).
- I, sometimes, feel like I was born in the wrong era 🏰. I would have loved to exist earlier than the second millennium (although I do reconsider this when I think of how really hard it would have been on me since I’m dark skinned, probably would have been a slave somewhere on this planet).
- I enjoy dyeing my hair 😍. Dark purple, red, dark green, black blue, light brown, blond highlights… and grey soon. I love seeing my hair in a different color than others but also shining vividly under the sun (I do have to keep it on check though since my workplace wouldn’t agree to any more colorful than that.).
- I love to read🤓. Again since I was a child, although the genres I read the most change but I can’t spend a day without reading something whether it’s a post, a manga, a novel, a book, a whole saga…
I, hereby, also nominated thee to the ❤One Lovely Blog Award ❤
- Whilst sipping coffee…
- Levi Talks
- Chaste A Rainbow
- The Classic Feminine Woman
- shekhar’s Digest
- Internal Basis
- Beautiful Ashes
- I Put The Ass In Sassy
- A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself (On a hiatus though but I’d like to nominate him anyway.)
I very much enjoy reading here and there on these blogs. Somehow their writings resonate within me, most of them are somehow related to me though : what I like or feel (depression, poetry, photographs, hair, God, etc. ..). You are not obligated to respond to the award but it would be awesome if you accept it and follow the rules.
These blogs aren’t the only good ones out there. You who are reading this post might also have an interesting and beautiful blog. Let’s all keep showing our appreciation to the ones we like (so cheesy 😳) by commenting and liking.
I’m on verge of losing my mind
All I can think about is you
When I close my eyes, I can see you.
I stay away from you, yet you’re everywhere I am, everywhere I go, everywhere I was.
I can’t visit any of my memories, any of my spots, talk to any of my chums, you knew them all, you impregnated them.
I wanna stop. Stop being related to you.
I wanna start anew, have a fresh start far away from you but it’s like you can track me, like we’re magnetized and so attract each other.
And now, all I can think about is to go meet you, see you, smell you, intake you all, all for myself until I can become you.
Forget about my bad history with you, let’s do new more messed up memories baby until I can’t get up.
Because I failed to totally reject you. My drugs abuse shall start all over again.
If I cheat on a cheater, what does it make me?
I have an easygoing personality because I just let you do whatever you want as long as it doesn’t bother me but I also have a difficult character because as much as you offer yourself to me, as much of you that I “own”, I get possessive and suspicious.
It’s in my nature not to trust people, specially men since I’ve come to been raised this way by my irresponsible of a father. The biggest impact he’ll ever leave on me is how the choice of a partner is something must be done thoroughly. Even a once time thing with the wrong individual could put you in so much misery, you’d wish you never spoke to this person.
I wonder if I cheat on myself, what will it qualifies me as. If I betray my values and ignore my criterias. If I go on the opposite way I’d have normally despised, I wonder. And if I go even deeper in this concept, if I betray the new path I took and go another way, getting me further and further away from the principles I had at the start, what would that make me?