Someone, another and me

Someone told me I was sad

Another told me I had the blues

Someone told me to get it over with

Another told me I was just being lazy

Someone doesn’t speak to me anymore

And another told me I was a shut in

Someone told me I was just a hypocrite

Another told me to get over myself

That person doesn’t speak to me anymore

Someone told me I had been cared for too much

Another told me I was the embodiment of my generation

Someone told me I was just being irresponsible

Another added unreliable

Both don’t speak to me anymore

Someone told me I do it all for the attention

Another told me they were evil thoughts

Someone told me I was being ungrateful

Another told me it was because I was privileged

Yet another one doesn’t speak with me anymore

I tell myself all of those. I brew it in my head as soon as something goes wrong. I think of all the people I’ve lost. I conclude that I’m undeserving and worthless. I can’t think of a reason why things are this way, I figure out it’s because of me. It’s because I’m me. I’m thinking how unlucky my parents were to end up with me. I’m thinking how many lives and people I have changed, touched in a negative way because, it’s obvious, I’m me. I think God is the only one who loves me unconditionally, He has to but when the times come, will He choose me? Then my head empties and I can’t think, I don’t feel.. Life continues on.. I still can’t feel..


Depressed thoughts #01

Leave me the fuck alone!

..I just want to be by myself..

..I feel so lonely..

I just want someone to be with me

..To understand me..


Night Confession 

Do you ever get that feeling that no matter what, your feelings are not that important? That your problems are not big enough? Like you’re taking the spotlight from people with real issues and heartbreaking situations? Like yours will never need the attention? 

Am I being a drama queen for wanting people to sympathize to my troubles? Of course! Who knows what they might be going through! Even though my own issues almost strangle me, even if my feelings are weighing so heavily on my chest, I feel like my heart might stop beating any moment now. 

I stopped writing about it, I stopped myself from thinking about it again and again, I take a deep breath, swallow painfully my saliva and push everything down because somewhere someone has to deal with worse. Someone has to make an unbearable situation work and has to push himself or herself through it all, and I’m thinking, where am I getting at? What am I trying to get from others anyway? It’s not worth it. Just shut up. 

But there are times like now when I’m afraid of how much I get desensitise on things, of how bad I feel when nothing hasn’t really happened, of how irrational my thoughts gets while I’m smiling and how impatient I am for someone to notice something while knowing that no one will. 

Isn’t it a big problem nowadays how we are dependant of SOMEONE? How we’re always waiting for SOMEONE? How SOMEONE has become our worst best friend, the one that we have so much expectations for but doesn’t care at all about us but himself? That person, that savior, that nobody, that non-existant humanized hope? 

Well, good thing or not, it slightly bettered my relationship with God, I feel like my prayers are finally getting across a little. Isn’t it said anyway that the path to him is paved in hardships and suffering? Who knows that might be my cross. 

A fool I was

I wanted to feel something, so I went outside in the rain. 

I took a few steps on my backyard and stopped. The rain was pouring and the water falling on me was heavy. 

I looked up to the sky, it was dark. I spent a moment there, wondering what would happen to me if it turned to a storm, if the wind picks up, if the sky becomes alive with white flashes and loud sounds.

I sneezed, it made me realize. I was soaked to the bone and my body was really cold. I went back inside and fought for warmth through warm baths and hot beverages. 

It was already too late and in the morning, as my head was throbbing and my breathing hard, I thought

To catch a cold instead of feelings, how a fool I was.

I closed my eyes and pray 

I closed my eyes and pray.

I prayed the Father who’s in the sky, the Saints that sing his glories, the angels that serve him, the Holy Mother he chose to give birth to his Holy Son.

I closed my eyes and pray. I called for the Holy Spirit, asking for purification, begging for forgiveness, in hope of enlightenment. 

I closed my eyes and pray. I talked “one sidedly” with my ancestors, envisioning their lives, crying for the agonies of those who were sent away from Home. 

I closed my eyes and pray 

And pray

And pray 

And pray 

My eyes were shut so long, my reality escaped me, my eyes were seeing something new, my brain forgot my environment, my memory was a blur. 

Why was I praying?  What did I want? What was I expecting? Did I do right? 

I couldn’t figure any of these so, again, 

I closed my eyes and pray 

Why you gon do like that 

Why you gon keep that thing from me

Why you gon do like that 

Why you gon act like you don’t know me

Baby don’t do like that 

Baby don’t tell me you don’t know that you’re beautiful 

Do Like That, Korede Bello 

Just like fire burning up away 

If I could light the world for just one day 

Watch this madness, colorful charade 

No one can be just like me anyway 

Just Like Fire, P!nk