Day 2

It’s been a week or more since the last time I wrote about my problems and I’ve been feeling better.

My days aren’t either worse or good but I don’t feel as much pain anymore. I would sincerely like to enjoy these times but I’m skeptical, when will the next episode come? Even when my body seems at peace, my mind isn’t, even when my mind is resting, my thoughts are racing.

Is this really a mind-over-body situation? Am I really the one creating all my problems? Am I letting my stress, insecurities, doubts and anxiety take over my health and my sanity? Maybe…

What really isolates me and frustrates/saddens me is the reactions of my entourage. Nobody wants to stop and envision my pain, they go straight to the obvious. Yes, I already know I’m stressed…

But at the same time, I know they’re growing tired of this situation, I have started to exhaust them physically and mentally and I don’t think I can expect much “quality” support from them anymore. Which brings me back to the foundation of my faith : God. Almighty, Loving, Forgiving and Compassionate God that I still fail to feel His presence.

Which leaves me with myself. I am tired of myself. So what else it is to do? Slowly heal, slowly forgive and slowly build.

Day 1

I remember why I started this blog, it was a way for me to declutter my brain, externalize thoughts, eternalize memories and finally, to share my stories. This blog was supposed to be my diary, and along the way, I ended up closing up that diary without noticing.

Was it a good choice? I don’t know but I realize now that,more than ever, I need an escape from my brain and myself. Everything is piled on each other, my head is heavy and my will is cowering against all those mountains of thoughts.

To some people, this might sound good, it might be synonym to creativity, hyperactivity; or bad. because to them, it’s sign of overthinking, depression…

For me, it’s everything at the same time. I am crippled by fear, anxiety, overthinking, ideas, thoughts… Each one is fighting the other, wants more space, my brain is overwhelmed and my mental health is taking hits after hits without a pause.

As a person, my will and courage are losing everyday against this fight and sincerely cannot take another hit. I simply cannot live in this torturous situation. But as a Christian, it’s even worse to be honest. I feel like a failure not even able to go through the obstacles that the Lord has been repeating in the Bible He will deliver me from, I feel like a traitor that prefers listening to the poisonous words of the enemy instead of putting my faith in Him.

I can’t follow through with any of my projects or ideas because I always feel like I’m dying from effort and I feel alone and lonely because nobody understands me and I don’t feel His presence.

What is a person to do in those situations? Let me save you a trip to the doctor or researching the internet : exercise, meditate, take your supplements, eat healthy, develop a routine, drink teas, take on new hobbies, push through it, self-care, conquer your fears…; and from a visit to the priest : keep praying, focus on the Lord and wait hopefully for an answer and deliverance. Sincerely, I’m failing in all the above.

What is it that you’re feeling now? To resume it, I feel like death is circling me and toying with me. Is it actually founded? I don’t know, they say no but I feel what I feel and I’m slowly going crazy. On top of that, it doesn’t matter how many times and what I do, I can’t seem to communicate with the Most High and it’s terrifying me. I’m probably overly stressed too, but at this point, what haven’t I tried? What can I do?

For the moment, Imma try my best to keep pushing through the episodes ✌

Birthday Wishes

Today is my birthday and it only seems fit that if I had to post, it’d have to be faith related.

I found those beautiful prayers online

I dedicate them to whoever is also celebrating his/her birthday today.

A happy birthday to y’all too. May this new year bring us answers to our questions, virtues, love, growth, success, spiritual depth, confidence, courage, wisdom… and may we live to see another one. May God bless, protect and support us throughout this new year but more importantly, may we recognize His presence in our lives and strive to get closer to Him. Amen.

Broken friendship

Today is a sad day, at least a sad moment of the day.

I was looking for a conversation on facebook messenger and went way back. I read a convo with a girl that used to be a good friend of mine, more like a girl I used to be a great friend of. Who would have thought that we wouldn’t talk to each other again for more than 5 years now. She’s not somebody that I’m estranged from, we broke up, our friendship was done for. More like she was done with me and jumped on the first occasion she found to dump me. And it broke my heart because she was so dear to me and she is still a bit precious to me, I couldn’t possibly ever wish her anything but well even if my ego speaks the opposite when people ask. Slowly, I realized that back then I used to be the one to always start conversations, to always text or call her, to always try to meet with her, to always try to catch up and deepen our friendship, the one making most of the efforts. I realize now how naive I used to be, how blind I was. We went to school together, she knew so much about me, we went through so much together and she used to trust me with some of her secrets but now that I know what I know, it seems like she was laying traps and waiting for me to fall into one of them. While reading our conversations and coming to terms with reality, I felt so much sadness, hurt and also a strong desire to reconnect. We used to talked about our future, how our children would be friends also, how we would have each other’s back and check our husbands, how we would react when the other would get pregnant and how accurate our pregnancy stories back then would be compared to the actual ones in the future. Presently she’s a mother and it hurts to know that we won’t be those meddling mothers trying to link our children together like we planned in the past. And I wonder if she feels the same about me, if her chest is also heavy realizing that we live not so far away from each other, that we might actually bump into each other in the streets or somewhere but that we won’t have anything to say to each other… oh Lord, I even feel like that she’d go as far as avoiding me on purpose after we made eye contact.

So many times tonight, I asked myself what went wrong, what I did wrong, if I was too clingy, if she truly wanted to eject me of her life so badly that she jumped on the first accusation to do so, what I could’ve possibly done to provoke that reaction or to avoid it, so many whys and ifs. And it also made me think about how close you can really be to someone, you know. Is it really worth it to invest so much in a relationship, to care so much for someone, like family, for it only to end, at best, just like that, with the snap of a finger?? Do I really need company that bad that I would get into such a deep friendship with someone again??? Should I take a plunge that deep ever again?

Friendship is such a beautiful thing and I don’t regret those genuine times we spent together and it outweighs the pain of the breakup just a little bit… but at the same time, who goes through the hardships of investments only for a small change in revenue?

I just can’t…

I’ve been in a lot of stages in my life. And I must say that this one is totally new to me. I guess the perks of getting older. I’ve completed renounce on life. I don’t mean I want to end it. I mean that I’m done with expectations, done with hope, done with relationships, done with emotions and feelings, done with everything.

I have a question? Have you felt alone while receiving attention? This one also is a new groundbreaking one. I have a good support system right now and for some reason I can’t absorb any of it. It’s like I’m impermeable to it, to the love, the affection, the support.

Everything bothers me, and I so want to get into my own little world and just throw my social life away. I don’t even know how to really explain what I’m going through. I don’t know if it’s me being dramatic and capricious or if I’m really going through something I can’t identify.

What I guess would be considered even worse in this situation is that I don’t care. I don’t care to discover what is going on, what is it I’m feeling, why I can’t accept those great emotions directed towards me. The only real way I can explain this would be that the vessel to receive all of this is gone and I can’t store or absorb any so I’m no longer bothered to think about this.

I don’t know. I’ve been feeling this way a moment now and all my happy triggers don’t work. Music doesn’t work, favorite drinks and food either, dark chocolate feels like I’m inviting cavities, and my hair. Oh my God, I used to treat my hair as therapy, I would change the hairstyle or the color whenever something wasn’t right but now if I could cut it all off and not have to worry about it, I would. And finally, I’m sad to say that my relationship with God is thinning out because of this also. I mean if everything is already written, why bother. If He already has drawn my destiny, why would I complain, give thanks or ask forgiveness for? It will happen whether I like it or not. What is it to talk about with the One that knows everything before it happens and everything about me.

I just can’t..

He will stretch his wings to cover when troubled times are viewed

Giving courage to the fearful heart forever standing near

Every Moment, Forever Jones

You’re every breath I breathe in

You’re every breath I breathe out

You’re every breath in me God

Every moment in Your hands

Every Moment, Forever Jones

You are in the midst of chaos

Hiding me beneath your feathers

You will keep my heart from failing

Every moment in your hands

Every Moment, Forever Jones

Late night Brewing

Now blessing some people’s heart and mind

I decide to stay quiet

Live long, live large, not my business anymore

I’m grown, don’t you ask me

Why am I almost begging?

An attitude, I doubt so
More so self-respect

What’s going on my mind

À lot of things are going on my mind but nothing I want to write about. And it makes me anxious. I used to be passionate about writing, filling notebooks after notebooks with ideas, diary entries, novels. It used to be a way to keep my mind clear, to express my feelings, to put a word on how I feel, help me understand my behavior and now, it doesn’t happen. It’s like a chore, I can barely write a page without being impatient and I almost never come back to any post pending… And it scares me.

Is it a phase? Is it my new way of life? I don’t know but it’s really not reassuring.

Have any of you ever gone through something like this?