A tale in my claustrophobia book

I don’t want to hear it

I don’t want to be pitied 

I reacted against my will I never meant to scream hysterically, cry and tremble like that. 

I couldn’t control any of those. When the door closed and I couldn’t get it to open, my heart broke and my mind went blank. There were no other ways to get out and the door wouldn’t open. 

THE DOOR WOULDN’T OPEN! 

I didn’t mean to act that way, it happened before I knew it. 

I kept it going for the 30mn I was blocked in there, and half the time after because my tears and sobbing wouldn’t stop. 

I know you all thought I was stupid and now I can’t bare your stares and I feel like I can read your thoughts. The eyes you used to look at me have changed and I feel ashamed..

Lazy or depressed – outside view

I don’t know if I had ever say this here before but I’m a really lazy person.
Where does depression take action or where is it all to blame to laziness is one of the dilemmas making it difficult for my environment to even believe I’m l
depressed.

One morning, I opened my eyes early in the morning. Sleep had vanished away and there were no more reasons to stay in bed. I still stayed in bed though and 16 hours later, I was still there. => depression
One morning as I was getting ready for work, I realized I was already late. I looked into the mirror and noticed my pale face showing the signs of my recovering from a bad flu. I decided to stay home and put it on illness. As the day went by, I realized I never left my room, getting my mother to nurse me. I hadn’t speak a word all day and even cried.  => laziness that turned into depression
One day at school, there was a big pit  and I almost fell into it. Many people attended to me, thinking I had dark thoughts. => laziness since I was so sleepy, I never bothered to look where I was going.

Those are outside views. It’s kinda hard when you look at it this way to figure out someone’s struggles, specially if they mastered the poker face.

Father Tribute

Father’s Day coming soon
And I don’t even speak to him anymore
There are lot of people who agree that it’s better to have known your father and suffer than to haven’t at all
Some people even told me they wouldn’t mind having to be abused at the condition it was by the hand of their father.
They just want a man’s authority, missing a father figure so much they wouldn’t mind if he treated them like garbage, at least they could say “father treats me like garbage”
Well I don’t want to position myself publicly and say I’d prefer have grown with no father but so many times, did I thought it would have been a blessing not knowing him.
I think hard, I scratch my head over and over, I search my heart and the answer is still the same : I wouldn’t mind if I had never met him.
I never said it out loud but oh well I guess I let out this kind of vibe often

Fears – Before and After

I got a lot of fears. When I was younger, I was afraid my parents would think I’m too naughty and threw me out. I was also afraid they’d like my baby brother more than me and abandon me.  I was mostly afraid God would take away all the good in my life because I sinned too much. I wish those were the fear I have now.

Nowadays, I’m afraid two countries might blow some steam and start another world war. I’m afraid another deadly virus will come to light and have no cure. I’m afraid to walk by myself at night because some creep might be waiting for me or following me. I’m scared that a little rain will transform in a hurricane and a simple heatstroke in a big heat wave. I’m scared that the ices continue melting and that big volcanoes become active.
I’m afraid to leave any history of me on the web so I don’t get hacked or my private life doesn’t get public. I’m afraid to be honest with people so they don’t turn my weaknesses against me. I’m afraid to fall in love with someone because my heart is weak and I’m afraid to let someone cherish me because the doubts never leave me.
I’m scared to make friends whatever their backgrounds because I might be set up or accused of being associated with some criminal. I’m scared to go to church because I know I won’t be able to hide my sins from Him,  I’m afraid of His forgiveness as much as I’m afraid of His indifference.

“Another one of her crisis”, she said

I was feeling down, I didn’t feel like going out but it was my friend’s birthday so she took us two to an event, she had been waiting for, to celebrate with her.
It’s not an unusual thing to party when it’s your birthday but I really didn’t want to leave my room. At this event, there were more friends of mine, I had a falling out with one of them but she was hanging out with more friends of mine so I couldn’t do anything but talking to her friendly, otherwise it would have been awkward for all of us.
And I don’t know if she did it on purpose or if she was clueless but she started hanging around me more, asking me to do stuffs together like dance or take walk together and stuffs like that and I would always say I couldn’t leave the birthday girl. Unfortunately, one of my good friends started snapping pictures of them having fun and, a bit jealous, I imposed myself on them and the other one felt maybe a bit embarrassed and said she did it with everybody. I realized the atmosphere and went back to the birthday girl who was being pampered by everyone. My good friend came to me and told me it was no big deal really and I shrugged, I didn’t want to remember what I just did. I went to the bar, getting myself a drink when the good friend came to me again saying that she talked to me earlier so we could snap one together, the ex-friend came by and said “don’t pay attention, it’s one of her crisis again”. I was shocked, I know what she was referring to and my good friend laughed like it was some silly comment.
But truth is I didn’t want to stay anymore or to talk to anyone cause what she said hurt me way more than if she had said some mean words.
What she was referring to was my big depression in December. By the end of December, I didn’t feel like going out, I barely left bed and only talked to people through texts. The ex friend came from a trip to Paris and wanted to see me but I said I couldn’t possibly welcome her (I hadn’t left my room for two days straight so I didn’t want people to see me either. But that friend came by dropping gifts and my father jumped on the occasion to get me out of my room and made me go meet her. I felt horrible, talked barely and was inattentive. When she left, a ray of hope shined through my dark thoughts as I looked at her gifts and I thanked God for having such a good friend. Little did I know that she was going all over town, complaining to every friend we have in common, saying that I was a capricious girl always having weird crises and treating people badly. How could I think she would do that when months earlier I opened my heart to her and told her I would feel down occasionally for no good reasons?? How could it possibly occur to me that she would badmouth me like this when I remember clearly saying to her, weeks earlier to her departure, that I started to feel unsociable, numb, indifferent, when I stated almost all the symptoms of common sadness and depression to her, warning her from the thing to come???
To see my other friends laugh so happily to such a “silly” joke made me realize that I could never be totally honest to someone. Why would I if you don’t even take the time to think and analyze my illness as it is and not like some stupid crisis to make myself seen or to gain attention? The others that didn’t know didn’t even think of how unusual and unfitting this comment was, what if I had told them, would they have react just the same and label me a capricious girl?  I’m almost sure of that. Is there no way for me to be completely naked in front of everyone without being labeled, judged, pointed and misunderstood?? Is the only way for me to join a group of people just like me?  Is that how far the general open-mindedness reach and how much tolerance can be shown?? 
Life sucks, the World sure is segregated.

I feel tired!

I lost all my energy and stamina
In always trying to do the right thing
It’s like the path doesn’t even want you to choose it.
I have to eat vegetables, I have to be polite, I have to be on time, I need to sleep before 10, I need to go to college, I have to get a job, and so on.
It’s like the hardest things to do are always the right ones. In the end it generates a lot of stress and fatigue.
But I hear that the satisfaction that comes out of it is worth it.
I’m still waiting to validate that…

Reunited with myself

Today I got a major loss.
I lost a dear friend. We had a fight about something I still don’t know about.
She just shut me out and doesn’t want to hear from me again.
At first I cried, I couldn’t believe she would let me down. I put my pride aside and ask her multiple times what the reason was, but she just wouldn’t answer me. So I got sad, I started remembering all the times we spent together, how we connected so well. How I basically could not live without her. So I texted again, asking why, trying to figure things out.
She opened up a little then back me out. I was on the verge of tears again, at the borderline.
But suddenly, I didn’t feel anything anymore. I felt at ease. Was breathing correctly. The memories weren’t painful anymore. I didn’t have to delete a thing. For sure it hurts to know that we’ll only be acquaintances from now on, but I wasn’t stressed, worried or sad. I even stop falling. I was strong, peaceful, calm, smiling. Somehow I reached the end of the book and there where pages left. I don’t know if they’ll remain blank or if we’ll ever get to fill them together, but I just accept it and close the book with serenity and dignity.
I feel proud that I dealt with it so calmly. I feel so grateful I don’t have to cry. I feel blessed that I can read that book over and over again and not feel like my chest is about to explode. I feel like I’ve grown.
For sure, I’ll missed her, but she was the one who pushed me away many times. So now that I’ve grieved, I’m open to new relationships, to meet a new friend, to let someone in again.
This experience filled me with plenitude. Sometimes we are hurted so badly, we feel so rejected that we only think to curl on ourselves. But we can grieve, accept that people won’t always put as much as we do in our relationships, that they won’t love us as much as we do. We must start to believe that, even though we caused the problem, if we make sincere amends, we are worth their time and their attention. We, too, deserve their love and if they walk out on us, well doesn’t matter, their lost.

image

We also are loveable beings, unique people with strengths and flaws, we are not perfect, we make mistakes but at the end of the day we stuck to our values, we were there and so when the sun goes down, the only ones who should be afraid of the dark were those who didn’t took the time to appreciate us shining in the daylight.