​I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one would listen

‘Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming

I woke with this fear

What am I leaving

When I’m done here?

So if you’re asking me

I want you to know

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I’ve done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me

And when you’re feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave Out All The Rest, Linkin Park 

​Forever on, these sacred given vows will sit around by me

They’re stronger than anything, than anything

Night is alright

Night is okay

Inside your arms the right fire

God forbid, we’ll get ourselves burned!

Heroes and saints, better stand by our side now

Heroes And Saints, Nikolaj Grandjean

​Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I’m about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between

Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I’m about to say

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that’s worse than one is none

In Between, Linkin Park 

​You’ll always be a part of me

I’m part of you indefinitely

Boy don’t you know you can’t escape me

Ooh darling cause you’ll always be my baby

And we’ll linger on

Time can’t erase a feeling this strong

No way you’re never gonna shake me

Ooh darlin’ cause you’ll always be my baby

You’ll always be my baby, Mariah Carey 

​Could I hold you for a lifetime

Could I look into your eyes

Could i have this night to share this night together

Could I hold you close beside me

Could I hold you for all time

Could I could I have this kiss forever

Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever

Could I Have This Kiss Forever, Enrique Iglesias feat. Whitney Houston 

​I will follow you wherever you may be

From the moment, I first saw you

Knew my heart could not be free

Have to hold you in my arms now

There can never be another for me

All I need is

The rhythm divine

Lost in the music

Your heart will be mine

All I need is

To look in your eyes

Viva la musica

Say you’ll be mine

Rhythm Divine, Enrique Iglesias 

Happiness and Misery

The contrary is also true. 

 I cannot stress enough how difficult this is when the sick part in question is actually the mind. How can I gather all my positivity and strength when I’ve lost it all already? 

It requires great willpower, which I’d probably not possess at the time. Sometimes these are pretty words, sometimes these are encouraging. I guess it’s a question of a timing. 

What works well though, as bad as it seems, is to know/ see/ hear other people’s struggles and it will work even better if their experiences are worst than yours. Your life in comparison seems better and you get that little inch of hope. Also, if this person recovered, it makes you feel like you too can climb mountains. 

It’s not joke why motivation speeches are now a business and why all type of support groups are being created.  We all share with each other, we all support each other, we all are truthfully naked to each other and we all get to improve with each other. A good sponsor can become a new family member and the others might be of great support when in need, there’s nothing like a professional to help you get out of a situation. You’ll never go to doctor for home design advice, well only a struggling fellow like you can catch you in time before your vices get the best out of you. 

But overall, it should all be in a good mindset.

 If all you do is look down on people, or envy those people then you’ll only keep walking backwards. 

Well, not all the common things work for everybody, there are some exceptions to most of the rules. But I’m pretty much confident that if you could have resolve the problem by yourself then it wouldn’t get to the point where others might think that you should attend meetings or you’d be thinking about asking for help.

Happiness and misery come hand in hand, if we don’t lose sight of the one we qualify as better, there’s no way that the other can keep dragging us down and sink us. The dilemma though is to keep choosing happiness as better

I can’t smile 

Today, the sun is shining brightly. The birds are shyly singing from not too far, there are a few white clouds in this clear blue sky and all the colors seem to vividly pop. It’s the perfect get together day between friends and family. 

Reunited since a long time, there are some people here that I had completely forgotten about, their existence erased from my mind, so this little event was really nostalgic and welcomed. I reconnected with friends, school mates, estranged family, so much people that had slipped my mind. So many interactions, I got overwhelmed and got a little me time, sitting on a near lonely bench, to recover. 

It felt weird how this bench was put alone, half surrounded by flowers and half surrounded by a wall. I closed my eyes and relax but at this precise moment, I heard my name. I open my eyes and see him : my lovely, goofy boyfriend. A bit chubby, he’s nice, funny, average looking and so freaking friendly. He’s always surrounded by people and always gets you to do the most unlikely things ever. For example, on our first date, we went mountain climbing. To be quite sincere, I put on a brave face but I really thought I’d die. Oh God, the things you’d do to impress some boy but I really, truly, sincerely liked him already. 

He was walking to me, a big smile on his face then fell unexpectedly. He looked confused and brushed it off and so did I. We went back to the people but my eyes were always checking on him because I’ve been noticing a few odd things. First of all, he wasn’t smiling, it was the first time I never saw him grinning in more than 30mn. It kind of worried me. Second of all, he stopped talking, he’d briefly nod or say monosyllabic words but that was it. I thought he bumped his head harder than I thought and quickly suggest him to go to the hospital but he reassured me again that he was fine, only a bit tired from his all nighter at work the day before. I gave up but brought him home so he could rest and as soon as I saw his innocent sleeping face, I called an ambulance. It would have been impossible for me to move him so I opted for that easiest solution. 

They were pissed I called them on a hunch but the paramedics gave in to my pleas and drove him to the hospital. I talked to some doctor and as he was waking up, stunned by his relocation, the doctor made him do a few exercises. Which he couldn’t do at all. In a state of immediate emergency, the doctor took him to the OR and left me worried sick. I didn’t know what was going but I could guess that it was a grave concussion or something.

A few hours later, a surgeon came to talk to me, he explained that my boyfriend’s brain was practically swimming in blood, apparently, one of his arteries had ruptured. My shock was immediate, I felt so grateful that I had brought him here in time. The doctor said that the operation went well but he was still sleeping, recuperating. They couldn’t possibly inform me on the outcome of the operation until he opened his eyes. 

I spent days at his side, taking care of him, of the room, talking to him. Thankfully, I was on paid leave and his insurance as well as his work were covering the medical bills. I prayed and horrendously watched his brain decayed until the cerebral activity was no more. The doctors were short and brutal : there was no more hope. I cried, alone, beside him, alongside his family, with friends. They asked me what I wanted to do but I couldn’t just give up on him. “Whatever you choose”, I said, “I’ll always side with life, I’ll never lose faith, so you better not include me in the decision making cause I’m blindsided.”

They decided to officially end it all, he was clinically dead after all. As they unplug him, I was right beside him, holding his hands, keeping my tears to myself. Later on, while watching the empty bed, I wonder if he suffered, if he felt the agony of being out of air, if we did the right thing, if I did let them kill him, if I helped in condemning him to death before giving him the chance to struggle and reach out. 

His funerals were hard on me, I was surprised that I had more tears left to cry. It was held in a little church on a cold rainy day, everything seemed gray and lifeless to me… as he was… My tears were warm but couldn’t possibly rise my freezing body’s temperature. I shivered. I couldn’t believe he was really gone. I had lost him and I wished I was some kind of psychic so I could see or feel his spirit. I eventually accepted my lack of supernatural talent and gradually moved on but I never got him out of this cozy place in my heart.