I had 3 ants

I had 3 ants
I crushed one unwillingly
I separated one from the others, it felt cornered and it died
The other one escaped
I had 3 ants


Death and Birth

This week I had two opposite events to attend to : my mother’s birthday and the funeral of a close family friend.
First it was all celebration and cheers then it went gloomy and quiet. The same people who were screaming and singing, ended up being sad or even crying.
When you look at it from afar it’s all the same : you have a lot of people coming, you talk, eat, pay your respects to the guest of honor. The ambiance though and probably the dress code determine which is what.
You know, I do feel envious. The guy died at 93, I’m still not even sure I’ll get to my mid twenties. Those people lived more than we could ever do, sometimes I wish I was born sooner. He was ready to die, that’s why no one was too overwhelmed. He always said how his life was fulfilled. More than a decade ago, he had already got his things in order and the only thing his boys had to do was to get a priest and choose the time and date. He had already planned everything. He said there was nothing else to hold him back. He still went out prematurely though. He lost his will to live after he was forced by his children to be operated.
In the other end, my mom won’t even consider being ill too long nay does she dare envision death. Why would she? She just sent her last child to college and still has to suffer the bill, she hasn’t married any of us yet and still worry a lot about our future. In other words, she doesn’t think we’re well grounded enough in life right now to leave us behind. So she’s clinging to every fiber of life she can. She won’t pass away until she’s reassured that my brother or I are well enough to support each other in life in every aspect. She doesn’t want to leave desperate motherless children behind (although we are already adults); #motherstruggles.
It’s hard to let go when you don’t feel like what you’ve done can subsist on its own. This is probably why most of us aren’t ready to let go because we imagine that there is always more to do.    Death, please come when I’ll be ready or please forget about me. As I was saying, I sure envy this man, there weren’t even an ounce of regret or hesitation when the inevitable came to get him. This is how I’d also like to envision the circumstances of my death.