I’m truly sorry

This is a letter of apology.
I’m truly sorry for running from myself and my responsibilities, for not seeking any help or not really standing for what I want, and worst never even taking the time to know what I want. To my own self, for countless times I turned my back on you and never looked at you again, I’m so sorry about that.
I apologize for being such a strong-willed, stubborn but yet shy and timid girl whom caused more headaches than anything else. I apologize for making every decision difficult, for being indecisive at the end about the most important things, to have fought so long and so hard with a man who calls himself my father but never truly acts like it when he has to. I am really sorry about my phobias, my multiple flaws, my troubling issues such as depression that I never really took the time to explain to you in the end. To my own family, for mostly being too indecisive, not meeting your expectations, for being such an ill kid in more ways than one, for being troubled by so many matters that I never talked to you about, for never really showing you my suffering self, I sincerely apologize.
I really regret not taking your propositions seriously, for never completely believing you and for putting so much obstacles on this already difficult road. For testing you so many times, for doubting you so many times, for never giving you the spot aside me, for forcing you, in the end, to the sight of my back walking away from you, for not having apologize sooner, for breaking your heart and also a bit of mine, for never really belonging to you but mostly for never accepting the loving and caring you, to my ex-lover I really regret my insensitive words and hurting actions.
For stabbing you so many times I lost count, for always running back to you at hard times, for easily forgetting you, for getting more and more away from you, for never taking the time to try to listen to you anymore, for being a begging ungrateful child, for being a disappointed and unreliable sibling, for being an occasional believer, to my one and only God, I can never apologize enough.
This is a part of a self forgiveness and cure for troubling mental issues that I found on my psychology book. It is said to list your regrets and faults and apologize for them. A crumpling piece only get there because the rotten foundation and core had been ignored so I’m basically ripping off the mold parts of me that constitue my shame, regrets and such so they can’t nourish anymore the me crawled into myself.

Let’s hope it works ✌😜😉

Retarded and delayed

I met that boy at an event.
He bumped into me, mumbled an apology and continued walking, more like wobbling. He often looked to the sky. I thought it was irritating. The event took place in the late evening so it was getting dark which explains why I never noticed the obvious facial characteristics. As I was walking in the garden with some of my friends, we saw him again, sitting by himself, drawing something repeatedly on the ground with a stick. I’m not lying, I got intrigued so I kept my eyes on him. The event was about arts (music, painting, drawings, poetry, etc.). The first part was about the drawn arts, the second part, the written and spoken arts and the end about music (sung and instrumental).
I never saw him participated nor did he really attend any of the shows. When the drums started resonating, he stopped drawing on the ground. Maybe, he thought no one was watching and started dancing. It was terrible, really. No coordination, no rhythm, not even following the instruments, he was moving on his own accord and suddenly it started looking fun and beautiful and when he stopped I found myself and other people clapping. It was truly something, you could feel his love for dancing. Seriously, it was it, there was obviously no techniques and the moves were awful but it was breathtaking anyway. By the end of the applause, he was surrounded but the crowd disappeared as quickly as it had formed and the boy was sending out lonely vibes. I went to talk to him anyway, with a sincere smile I complimented his passion for dancing but he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I thought it was because he was shy or embarrassed about earlier and I kept doing small talk but he only had monosyllabic answers and would still avoid my gaze. I was getting vexed and frustrated, I started to think he was ignoring me. A middle-aged woman came and called his name, he smiled brightly and went to her. I was definitely frustrated. The woman was under a spot light so I could see them clearly. The features, his facial features. He was obviously retarded, or should I say he has Down Syndrome. He had probably been rejected a lot and last of it was this big crowd earlier. I was shocked but it explained a lot of things, the wobbling, the dancing, the lack of attention but overall the loneliness. The woman looked at my direction and asked me to come, she then questioned me about what happened earlier and I explained what I saw, apparently she heard rumors and just wanted to make sure his little brother was okay. She smiled to him and so did he, she thanked me and I smiled brightly and complimented the boy again. He looked really happy and they went their way.
I’m not lying I felt really good about myself, I mean really really good but I was happy I got the boy to smile too. It’s true that the little things can have a big impact on people. It’s true that I took my time, I mean we’ve crossing paths since I came to the event but better late than never and his smile proved me right too.

Acid also kills

You might have heard that acidic solutions between a pH of 4 and 5 is best for your hair because it’s near your hair’s pH. It has the best moisturizing effect and keep it strong. At the top list of the most recommended products that actually have a pH of 4.5 are lemon, Aloe Vera and Apple Cider Vinegar.
I’ve been using Aloe Vera since always. My family loves plants and with the tropical weather here, it grows pretty much easily and everywhere. So getting it on my hair wasn’t really a new achievement, I already knew how great it worked already, same for the lemon. Now apple cider vinegar, that’s something else. I used to give my relaxed hair a final rinse mixed with a bottle cap of white vinegar or lemon. And I could see the good results, it basically looks shinier and a bit soft. So in my quest of new long lasting moisturizing products and experimenting (mostly that), I bought a bottle.

image

Regular sized bottle, nothing too fancy.
First wash day, I put two bottle caps in a jug sized water container and rinse my hair with it. After that, I mixed it with my living conditioner and water and put it in my hair as part of my L.O.C. method routine. Worked like a charm, by the end of the second week my hair was soft, less dried and more shiny. There was only one problem, I was experiencing more hair loss than usual.
Next wash day, I didn’t use it in the rinse, but included it in my bottle mix with my Cantu leave in conditioner and water, I was careful to put less than two bottle caps and continued my routine as usual. I twisted my hair and kept it like that the whole week, the next week I did a twist out and it was amazing. My hair was definitely soft, less tangled, the color was popping, it was shinier and less hair loss. I began to understand that the apple cider vinegar could be as much as a help that it could be a nuisance.
Third wash day, used one bottle cap in the rinse, one bottle cap in the bottle mix and left my hair in an afro. When I say it was definitely a game changer. By the end of the week, my hair was a bit dry but way less than usual, way less tangled, way shinier, way softer. It was like a miracle. I also experienced less hair loss. I started to look at my hair loss and I noticed that it was really really soft, I understood that it had rotten.
It’s true there’s something as over moisturizing and I experienced it first hand. In the end, I’m still learning how to balance this great product with my moisturizing routine. And I got that one bottle cap works best for my hair. Apple cider vinegar is a miracle worker but it’s best to be used on dry and hot days, you really see the difference those days.  Since it retains moisture really well, it should really be avoided on humid days.

Telling me this
And telling me that
You said once you take me with you, I’ll never go back
Now I got a lesson that I want to teach Imma show you that where you from don’t matter to me

Don’t Mind, Kent Jones

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holla, if you feel like you’ve been down the same road

Not Afraid, Eminem

I am frustrated!

I don’t think I’ve ever been so straightforward here.
I’m pissed and frustrated. I feel hurt and  stupid.
I don’t get why I’m still trying! This is so unfair. But it’s not like I didn’t know life wouldn’t do me favors. The idiot me just expected those who got closed to me would understand.
Yes, it’s hard to deal with. Yes, it strikes me weirdly. Yes, it makes me do the strangest and most stupidest things. Yes, sometimes what I do seems wrong.
But the reason why I confided in you wasn’t so you could rub it in my face, so you could call me selfish and spoiled. The main reasons I told you in the first place are here in that last sentence. But still, you did say them anyway.
So what, sometimes I get down, lower than the ground? If I could really avoid to make a fool of myself, don’t you think I’d avoid it?
I opened to you and told you how I’ve been having an incoherent behavior for as long as I can remember. I unlocked all the barriers so I could let you see past that superficial smile, those lame excuses to my antisocial behavior, the cornered me.
Yes, when I recover I don’t look like I’ve been through stupid shit torturing me inside my head, keeping me locked inside my room and attached to my bed.
So I explained the real reasons behind my red and swollen eyes, behind my daydreaming, my isolation, my sometimes secretive personality because I always thought it was best you never really know about it.
Well not that care that people find out but that you, my closest friend, reject me while knowing why, well I guess I was right…
It’s best when you don’t really know about it.
I can assume it, I can fight it, I can live with it, I can fake normal if I have to,
I suffer from depression, so what?

Moderation, a great value

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Too much really means too much.
Excessive behavior even toward a positive action or attitude will surely cost you way more than you expected to gain.
Keep in mind that moderation is a goal.
Middle is a perfect balance that takes a lifetime of learning and practice.
There’s no such thing as a great deal is never enough
Non there’s such a thing as excess of great things is better.
But beware that surplus and overflow don’t sink you like quicksand.

Serenity

In desperate need of serenity
Uncertainties, doubts and fears have conquered my heart
My soul is about to be torn up
I need a good place to dock my hope and faith,
The little I have left.

My confidence is gone
There’s no place for me to calm down at home
My vessel is a wreck, it’s really scared
I feel weak and small
I feel powerless and vulnerable

A reassuring place to fix myself
A better place to get myself together
A motivational background to help me recover

I’m in desperate need to get rid of or tame these parts of me

Bring end and create beginnings

My face was covered with this disgusting stuff. From the most obvious oily spot, I could see worms coming out. When I’d pulled them out, they’d come out with a transparent filament. It would also hurt like hell. It was cruel, really. I only hoped they wouldn’t eat their way out of my face. Truly disgusting. While looking at my vesicle and pus covered face in the mirror, I caught a glimpse of him. You could see he was feeling sad, guilty and even a bit terrified. I couldn’t touch him now or my case would get worse so I was really restraining myself from hugging him. My heart was really aching looking at him this way.
You don’t have to feel that sad, I’ll get better soon.
He turned his back on me.
If you don’t answer, I’ll touch you and this time it will really be your fault.
He shyly looked at me and mumbled okay.
It’s just an allergy. Because of our differen-..
– I’m harmful to you.
No, you’re not.
– Yes, I am. Did I make you blind too?
Haha, sarcastic already. Well, it’s the differences between the composition of our being.
– I know that already, you’re sensitive to my touch. It strongly affects you.
Yes, it does but you also don’t control yourself well either. Normally, you should not provoke necrosis on touch.
– I know, it’s because I was doing a bit of practice in the soil. That’s how I fertilize earth, by putrefying and bringing stuffs to a rotten state… at least for now.
That’s interesting. Well now, you’re still learning to better control yourself so you should be careful about your weaknesses. Propagation is a crime, when not ordered or planned.
– I get that. That’s maybe why I’m being forced to practice so much.
So you’re an earth type?
– Not really, but soil represents best my ability to bring things to end and create situations for new beginnings.
So you can’t start things?
– I can… I don’t know. Maybe that’s why they’re so strict with me. They want to know as much as I can do.
Yeah, I get why. So you should be a special type, right? A meant to be leader.
– Yeah, I’ve been told that.
Meheliel I must say, when I heard a new operator would come for training. I didn’t expect a kid like you. Nor did I expect such an ability. But the greatest surprise must be your personality, I thought you’d be some kind of a pompous brat, haha.
He laughed with me. We ate fruits and drank juices from his garden and spent the rest of the time, talking about his gardening prowess and his improvement. He was such a good kid. I may appear more mature than him but little does he know he’s way more experimented than I am. Maybe that’s because he’s so earnest and eager to control himself while I can barely stop myself from creating catastrophes sometimes. I should really learn from him, after all I’m not that much older. I can’t definitely lose to him.

Memories of my naive love