Insecure or noob?

How many girls do you actually know who pretend -sometimes convince themselves- that they’re into a sexual relationship when in fact they’re thirsty for a stable relationship with one person? They sign in to these apps like Tinder, give their pursuers that just-looking-for-something-casual smile and let the sex be the excuse to get every bit of attention they’ve been wanting.

Most of the time, some of us, except for those obvious about it, won’t even know that we are not only attracted to that person’s face or body, we’re not just here to seek pleasure (let us be honest, we might not even or have ever orgasm), we’re here to get that tiny moment when our partner can only focus on us, when (if you choose them wisely) they have to satisfy our every desire, before, while and, if we’re lucky, after sex.

I personally know none, they hide it so well that you can only recognize the signs because you also have been there… When to please a man and still have him to like you, you have pretended that the only desiring thing about him, you want to commit to, sits right between his thighs. It’s not hard to fake it because you also want the sex, but it’s hard to fake the departure, that you don’t care if he contacts you ever, if there’s another meeting pending. What is harder to fake is that he dismisses your feelings, sometimes pretends he doesn’t notice you want to cuddle or only sexts you like there’s nothing else you have in common.

What might be actually worse is when he is somewhat tender or more conscious of you than usual and you have that crazy idea that he might actually care about your person and not only for those 3 convenient holes you carry around. Elated and excited you might actually be progressing in your relationship, you admit that he’s your only sex friend (but so you don’t go overboard, you pretend it’s mostly related to how satisfied he leaves you), you lower your guards a bit : you actually tell him your hobbies, your smile is honest and your pupils are dilated as if you were high on drugs, we try new things we weren’t open to before.. Then his attention span comes to an end and you crash. You plummet to the ground and you feel so awkward and stupid, like he’d ever taken any interest in you. Things spiral down in your head and you do your best to keep an indifferent attitude, you don’t want to leave, you have to leave because he doesn’t need you anymore, you’re going to leave because you’re ashamed, hurt and depressed. Sometimes he might even know that you want more so he cuts all ties with or leads you on on purpose. Oh Lord, the cutthroat pain that is about to follow. ..

Boys, men… telling us how free we should be… telling us how to deal with our bodies… trying to set themselves as the ultimate models as being liberated. Sometimes they might be right though, it’s so rare to actually meet a guy who hasn’t been taught that his body’s cravings are something he can shamelessly satisfy whenever and however he wants but most of the time, it’s just pretty literature to get to your panties, which isn’t pretty bad in itself if this truly is the only thing you want.

I’m seeing a lot of girls around me, in relationships they’re desperate to deepen and I’m asking myself, is it because it’s something we’re trying to break out of (by that, I mean breaking this stereotype associated with girls, that we shouldn’t be frivolous, flirtatious -at least, not openly)? Or is it that, in such a sex crazed world, we’re just trying too hard to accommodate men’s desires and perversions?

Are we insecure or just noobs?

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Night Confession 

Do you ever get that feeling that no matter what, your feelings are not that important? That your problems are not big enough? Like you’re taking the spotlight from people with real issues and heartbreaking situations? Like yours will never need the attention? 

Am I being a drama queen for wanting people to sympathize to my troubles? Of course! Who knows what they might be going through! Even though my own issues almost strangle me, even if my feelings are weighing so heavily on my chest, I feel like my heart might stop beating any moment now. 

I stopped writing about it, I stopped myself from thinking about it again and again, I take a deep breath, swallow painfully my saliva and push everything down because somewhere someone has to deal with worse. Someone has to make an unbearable situation work and has to push himself or herself through it all, and I’m thinking, where am I getting at? What am I trying to get from others anyway? It’s not worth it. Just shut up. 

But there are times like now when I’m afraid of how much I get desensitise on things, of how bad I feel when nothing hasn’t really happened, of how irrational my thoughts gets while I’m smiling and how impatient I am for someone to notice something while knowing that no one will. 

Isn’t it a big problem nowadays how we are dependant of SOMEONE? How we’re always waiting for SOMEONE? How SOMEONE has become our worst best friend, the one that we have so much expectations for but doesn’t care at all about us but himself? That person, that savior, that nobody, that non-existant humanized hope? 

Well, good thing or not, it slightly bettered my relationship with God, I feel like my prayers are finally getting across a little. Isn’t it said anyway that the path to him is paved in hardships and suffering? Who knows that might be my cross.