#Sunday loan from God

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Someone, another and me

Someone told me I was sad

Another told me I had the blues

Someone told me to get it over with

Another told me I was just being lazy

Someone doesn’t speak to me anymore

And another told me I was a shut in

Someone told me I was just a hypocrite

Another told me to get over myself

That person doesn’t speak to me anymore

Someone told me I had been cared for too much

Another told me I was the embodiment of my generation

Someone told me I was just being irresponsible

Another added unreliable

Both don’t speak to me anymore

Someone told me I do it all for the attention

Another told me they were evil thoughts

Someone told me I was being ungrateful

Another told me it was because I was privileged

Yet another one doesn’t speak with me anymore

I tell myself all of those. I brew it in my head as soon as something goes wrong. I think of all the people I’ve lost. I conclude that I’m undeserving and worthless. I can’t think of a reason why things are this way, I figure out it’s because of me. It’s because I’m me. I’m thinking how unlucky my parents were to end up with me. I’m thinking how many lives and people I have changed, touched in a negative way because, it’s obvious, I’m me. I think God is the only one who loves me unconditionally, He has to but when the times come, will He choose me? Then my head empties and I can’t think, I don’t feel.. Life continues on.. I still can’t feel..

Insecure or noob?

How many girls do you actually know who pretend -sometimes convince themselves- that they’re into a sexual relationship when in fact they’re thirsty for a stable relationship with one person? They sign in to these apps like Tinder, give their pursuers that just-looking-for-something-casual smile and let the sex be the excuse to get every bit of attention they’ve been wanting.

Most of the time, some of us, except for those obvious about it, won’t even know that we are not only attracted to that person’s face or body, we’re not just here to seek pleasure (let us be honest, we might not even or have ever orgasm), we’re here to get that tiny moment when our partner can only focus on us, when (if you choose them wisely) they have to satisfy our every desire, before, while and, if we’re lucky, after sex.

I personally know none, they hide it so well that you can only recognize the signs because you also have been there… When to please a man and still have him to like you, you have pretended that the only desiring thing about him, you want to commit to, sits right between his thighs. It’s not hard to fake it because you also want the sex, but it’s hard to fake the departure, that you don’t care if he contacts you ever, if there’s another meeting pending. What is harder to fake is that he dismisses your feelings, sometimes pretends he doesn’t notice you want to cuddle or only sexts you like there’s nothing else you have in common.

What might be actually worse is when he is somewhat tender or more conscious of you than usual and you have that crazy idea that he might actually care about your person and not only for those 3 convenient holes you carry around. Elated and excited you might actually be progressing in your relationship, you admit that he’s your only sex friend (but so you don’t go overboard, you pretend it’s mostly related to how satisfied he leaves you), you lower your guards a bit : you actually tell him your hobbies, your smile is honest and your pupils are dilated as if you were high on drugs, we try new things we weren’t open to before.. Then his attention span comes to an end and you crash. You plummet to the ground and you feel so awkward and stupid, like he’d ever taken any interest in you. Things spiral down in your head and you do your best to keep an indifferent attitude, you don’t want to leave, you have to leave because he doesn’t need you anymore, you’re going to leave because you’re ashamed, hurt and depressed. Sometimes he might even know that you want more so he cuts all ties with or leads you on on purpose. Oh Lord, the cutthroat pain that is about to follow. ..

Boys, men… telling us how free we should be… telling us how to deal with our bodies… trying to set themselves as the ultimate models as being liberated. Sometimes they might be right though, it’s so rare to actually meet a guy who hasn’t been taught that his body’s cravings are something he can shamelessly satisfy whenever and however he wants but most of the time, it’s just pretty literature to get to your panties, which isn’t pretty bad in itself if this truly is the only thing you want.

I’m seeing a lot of girls around me, in relationships they’re desperate to deepen and I’m asking myself, is it because it’s something we’re trying to break out of (by that, I mean breaking this stereotype associated with girls, that we shouldn’t be frivolous, flirtatious -at least, not openly)? Or is it that, in such a sex crazed world, we’re just trying too hard to accommodate men’s desires and perversions?

Are we insecure or just noobs?