#Sunday Epiphany

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We hide our weakness, we hide our sins

We feel the guilt but keep it away

We are just children small and afraid

The truth will unmask us and You love us the same

Secrets, Israel Houghton feat. Adrienne Houghton

We lie to our lovers
We lie to our friends
Hiding our pictures
And playing pretend
We keep our secrets
All to ourselves
Standing a distance so no one can tell

Secrets, Israel Houghton feat. Adrienne Houghton

And nobody knows us

And nobody will

We all keep pretending we’re better but still

We keep our secrets to cover our shame

You see the darkness and You love us the same

Secrets, Israel Houghton feat. Adrienne Houghton

Insane or Misunderstood?

Problem with society? Others.

Problem with being alone? Loneliness.

It’s hard to find the right balance between the two. When’s the right time to stop being by yourself and let others back in? When’s the adequate time to stop having to always explain yourself, to justify the way you are and always align with others?

Am I being mistreated and solely critized? Or am I not seeing the concern and the advices?

It’s so easy not to guess correctly and it results in such a heavy mental toll. The whys, what ifs, if onlys. It doesn’t make it any less difficult to see through the real intentions of my surroundings.

I like people less and less but I also hate being lonely. It’s not like there’s a “correct” crowd of people that will get you no matter what and it’s not like I’m a perfect vision of friendship and friendliness either. So it’s all about juggling, about balancing, about learning and not repeating the same mistakes. That’s it.

Except that it’s easier said than done. While it would be easier to crawl into my bed and cry about it, I weirdly find it hopeful and satisfying to be determined to still try again against the odds. And even though, I’ll probably be scared, terrified sometimes or skeptical inside, but I’ll still keep trying.

How about that for a change… 😊

Back to WordPress

Hello,

I’ve been away for a long time, a very long time.

The reasons why :

  1. I was lazy (sure)
  2. I was getting frustrated with what I was writing and how it made me feel
  3. It’s more like a hobby or an outlet (so I do it when I feel like it)
  4. Because I’ve been slowly cutting ties with social media

Now, did it actually make me feel better? No, did I grow? Neither. Did it actually bring something positive in my life? Well, maybe, some rest.

I do believe that posting on WordPress had a good impact on my life and I also like reading, so I would be scrolling through the articles afterwards and it didn’t made feel insecure or bad about myself like social media does. I can read about people I know, total strangers, from people of all around the globe, with different concerns, different struggles, lifestyles or completely similar troubles. It’s fun, it’s reliable, it’s enjoyable, it’s a lot of things and being part of it also, by blogging, makes it somewhat surreal to me, even if I’m not really noticeable in that big universe.

Anyway, since I stopped posting, I had a lot of ups and downs, and weirdly I didn’t change. What used to mean to me that I was staying authentic to myself, now sounds like I’m literally not going anywhere in life. My social life is slowly deteriorating due to becoming more like an introvert out of any place that requires contact with people, my professional life is at a standstill with a job that doesn’t really fulfill me and I still haven’t, for whatever fear or reason, got back to college.

What’s wrong? Mostly everything with me, is what I’m thinking at this point.

But, as my birthday approaches (in a a few weeks), I’ve been thinking to hell with the party (only partyers would come anyway), no dinner, no gifts… The best way to celebrate my 25th year would actually be to have accomplished goals that I’d have set in the first place. If people asked me about my dreams, at best I’d say having a family and living comfortably. What used to matter to me was to be at peace with myself and God and I never had a plan to achieve that, it still matters to me but I’ve realized it was a vision and not a lifestyle, it’s something to look forward to after you’ve worked for it, it’s not something that would magically end up on my lap after a strike a luck… (I hope I explained it correctly). To summarize it, I’d like to dream, set goals, find a passion, wake up everyday to something, lose night over my future projects.

And I’ve very much sure that blogging will keep me accountable for that.

While my posts were an outlet and a recurring evidence of many troubling thoughts and doubts I had (depression and all), in the long run, it was tiring, my feelings either irritated me or made me feel like a fraud. I was getting more confused after reading each new posts and comparing with others suffering from the same illness only made it worse. I guess I got really emotional about it all and WordPress disturbed me pretty much at some point. Although I do recognize cutting the app from my life helped me for a while, in the end, it just pushed all of those thoughts in the back of my head; it wasn’t the one to blame, with or without it, those troubles didn’t stop happening. I was just running away. What I’m trying to say is however I feel about my mental health, blogging makes it clear to me at which point I am at each period, something I’m grateful for. Keeping track of what I feel, how I’m behaving, sometimes it confirms I’m not crazy, it confirms if I’m doing better, it shows my progress (forward or backwards) or at least it opens my eyes on some disturbing habits I do have. So having this sort of “diary” is something I want to do seriously from now on (by which I mean posting regularly, being organized and not running away).

So toast to that! My comeback and continuation!đŸ„‚đŸŽ‰

Today

What happened to me today hasn’t happened in a some time now.

I’ve been so closed up. I feel like God is so far away and that I can’t reach Him anymore.

I keep seeing people going on about their lives so happily, they smile or they keep a straight face, it might be misleading, they might be faking it but it feels so idealistic.

I keep observing them, wondering inside what the hell is wrong with me.

And this afternoon, as happy and relieved I was that my week was over, that I could rest. I couldn’t stop thinking of these people being happy in their homes, sharing moments with their loved ones while I kept swiping my own messages to the left.

Everything doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s like all the calculations I made to be happy ended up in fake results. Nothing that should bring me calm and happiness is working.

What should I do now? What formula should I apply? In what other positive angle I should look at my situation?

And I feel so bad for not feeling right. I feel so bad for feeling this sadness inside.

Where is this puzzle piece that will complete me? What should I throw inside this void so I don’t feel as empty? How to get rid of this sadness?

The questions jumble up, it’s not like I expect to get an answer out of this at this point.

And without knowing, I’ve been crying… Probably for hours straight.

It doesn’t make me feel any better.