Insane or Misunderstood?

Problem with society? Others.

Problem with being alone? Loneliness.

It’s hard to find the right balance between the two. When’s the right time to stop being by yourself and let others back in? When’s the adequate time to stop having to always explain yourself, to justify the way you are and always align with others?

Am I being mistreated and solely critized? Or am I not seeing the concern and the advices?

It’s so easy not to guess correctly and it results in such a heavy mental toll. The whys, what ifs, if onlys. It doesn’t make it any less difficult to see through the real intentions of my surroundings.

I like people less and less but I also hate being lonely. It’s not like there’s a “correct” crowd of people that will get you no matter what and it’s not like I’m a perfect vision of friendship and friendliness either. So it’s all about juggling, about balancing, about learning and not repeating the same mistakes. That’s it.

Except that it’s easier said than done. While it would be easier to crawl into my bed and cry about it, I weirdly find it hopeful and satisfying to be determined to still try again against the odds. And even though, I’ll probably be scared, terrified sometimes or skeptical inside, but I’ll still keep trying.

How about that for a change… 😊

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Back to WordPress

Hello,

I’ve been away for a long time, a very long time.

The reasons why :

  1. I was lazy (sure)
  2. I was getting frustrated with what I was writing and how it made me feel
  3. It’s more like a hobby or an outlet (so I do it when I feel like it)
  4. Because I’ve been slowly cutting ties with social media

Now, did it actually make me feel better? No, did I grow? Neither. Did it actually bring something positive in my life? Well, maybe, some rest.

I do believe that posting on WordPress had a good impact on my life and I also like reading, so I would be scrolling through the articles afterwards and it didn’t made feel insecure or bad about myself like social media does. I can read about people I know, total strangers, from people of all around the globe, with different concerns, different struggles, lifestyles or completely similar troubles. It’s fun, it’s reliable, it’s enjoyable, it’s a lot of things and being part of it also, by blogging, makes it somewhat surreal to me, even if I’m not really noticeable in that big universe.

Anyway, since I stopped posting, I had a lot of ups and downs, and weirdly I didn’t change. What used to mean to me that I was staying authentic to myself, now sounds like I’m literally not going anywhere in life. My social life is slowly deteriorating due to becoming more like an introvert out of any place that requires contact with people, my professional life is at a standstill with a job that doesn’t really fulfill me and I still haven’t, for whatever fear or reason, got back to college.

What’s wrong? Mostly everything with me, is what I’m thinking at this point.

But, as my birthday approaches (in a a few weeks), I’ve been thinking to hell with the party (only partyers would come anyway), no dinner, no gifts… The best way to celebrate my 25th year would actually be to have accomplished goals that I’d have set in the first place. If people asked me about my dreams, at best I’d say having a family and living comfortably. What used to matter to me was to be at peace with myself and God and I never had a plan to achieve that, it still matters to me but I’ve realized it was a vision and not a lifestyle, it’s something to look forward to after you’ve worked for it, it’s not something that would magically end up on my lap after a strike a luck… (I hope I explained it correctly). To summarize it, I’d like to dream, set goals, find a passion, wake up everyday to something, lose night over my future projects.

And I’ve very much sure that blogging will keep me accountable for that.

While my posts were an outlet and a recurring evidence of many troubling thoughts and doubts I had (depression and all), in the long run, it was tiring, my feelings either irritated me or made me feel like a fraud. I was getting more confused after reading each new posts and comparing with others suffering from the same illness only made it worse. I guess I got really emotional about it all and WordPress disturbed me pretty much at some point. Although I do recognize cutting the app from my life helped me for a while, in the end, it just pushed all of those thoughts in the back of my head; it wasn’t the one to blame, with or without it, those troubles didn’t stop happening. I was just running away. What I’m trying to say is however I feel about my mental health, blogging makes it clear to me at which point I am at each period, something I’m grateful for. Keeping track of what I feel, how I’m behaving, sometimes it confirms I’m not crazy, it confirms if I’m doing better, it shows my progress (forward or backwards) or at least it opens my eyes on some disturbing habits I do have. So having this sort of “diary” is something I want to do seriously from now on (by which I mean posting regularly, being organized and not running away).

So toast to that! My comeback and continuation!đŸ„‚đŸŽ‰

Today

What happened to me today hasn’t happened in a some time now.

I’ve been so closed up. I feel like God is so far away and that I can’t reach Him anymore.

I keep seeing people going on about their lives so happily, they smile or they keep a straight face, it might be misleading, they might be faking it but it feels so idealistic.

I keep observing them, wondering inside what the hell is wrong with me.

And this afternoon, as happy and relieved I was that my week was over, that I could rest. I couldn’t stop thinking of these people being happy in their homes, sharing moments with their loved ones while I kept swiping my own messages to the left.

Everything doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s like all the calculations I made to be happy ended up in fake results. Nothing that should bring me calm and happiness is working.

What should I do now? What formula should I apply? In what other positive angle I should look at my situation?

And I feel so bad for not feeling right. I feel so bad for feeling this sadness inside.

Where is this puzzle piece that will complete me? What should I throw inside this void so I don’t feel as empty? How to get rid of this sadness?

The questions jumble up, it’s not like I expect to get an answer out of this at this point.

And without knowing, I’ve been crying… Probably for hours straight.

It doesn’t make me feel any better.

Insecure or noob?

How many girls do you actually know who pretend -sometimes convince themselves- that they’re into a sexual relationship when in fact they’re thirsty for a stable relationship with one person? They sign in to these apps like Tinder, give their pursuers that just-looking-for-something-casual smile and let the sex be the excuse to get every bit of attention they’ve been wanting.

Most of the time, some of us, except for those obvious about it, won’t even know that we are not only attracted to that person’s face or body, we’re not just here to seek pleasure (let us be honest, we might not even or have ever orgasm), we’re here to get that tiny moment when our partner can only focus on us, when (if you choose them wisely) they have to satisfy our every desire, before, while and, if we’re lucky, after sex.

I personally know none, they hide it so well that you can only recognize the signs because you also have been there… When to please a man and still have him to like you, you have pretended that the only desiring thing about him, you want to commit to, sits right between his thighs. It’s not hard to fake it because you also want the sex, but it’s hard to fake the departure, that you don’t care if he contacts you ever, if there’s another meeting pending. What is harder to fake is that he dismisses your feelings, sometimes pretends he doesn’t notice you want to cuddle or only sexts you like there’s nothing else you have in common.

What might be actually worse is when he is somewhat tender or more conscious of you than usual and you have that crazy idea that he might actually care about your person and not only for those 3 convenient holes you carry around. Elated and excited you might actually be progressing in your relationship, you admit that he’s your only sex friend (but so you don’t go overboard, you pretend it’s mostly related to how satisfied he leaves you), you lower your guards a bit : you actually tell him your hobbies, your smile is honest and your pupils are dilated as if you were high on drugs, we try new things we weren’t open to before.. Then his attention span comes to an end and you crash. You plummet to the ground and you feel so awkward and stupid, like he’d ever taken any interest in you. Things spiral down in your head and you do your best to keep an indifferent attitude, you don’t want to leave, you have to leave because he doesn’t need you anymore, you’re going to leave because you’re ashamed, hurt and depressed. Sometimes he might even know that you want more so he cuts all ties with or leads you on on purpose. Oh Lord, the cutthroat pain that is about to follow. ..

Boys, men… telling us how free we should be… telling us how to deal with our bodies… trying to set themselves as the ultimate models as being liberated. Sometimes they might be right though, it’s so rare to actually meet a guy who hasn’t been taught that his body’s cravings are something he can shamelessly satisfy whenever and however he wants but most of the time, it’s just pretty literature to get to your panties, which isn’t pretty bad in itself if this truly is the only thing you want.

I’m seeing a lot of girls around me, in relationships they’re desperate to deepen and I’m asking myself, is it because it’s something we’re trying to break out of (by that, I mean breaking this stereotype associated with girls, that we shouldn’t be frivolous, flirtatious -at least, not openly)? Or is it that, in such a sex crazed world, we’re just trying too hard to accommodate men’s desires and perversions?

Are we insecure or just noobs?

Cheers to positivism

I’ve never really let my guard down around people but I truly want to enjoy quality time with some friends I know I  can confide in. Between the backstabbing, the misunderstandings, the fights and the gossiping, I find it hard to trust someone that will sell me out the moment we get a set back. 

This is why my pessimist self is so glad to have been proven wrong today when I enjoyed a sunny Friday afternoon with my classmates. It’s hard to imagine having a good time with acquaintances because we just keep it superficial but sometimes we can get a very enjoyable moment out of it. 

So cheers to good surprises in life

Casual hookups 

I’m thinking how difficult it is to just trust someone and how more difficult it is to open up to someone. All those expectations that you have of a new friend and all of what is expected from you to be to that person. It’s exhausting to explain, it’s indelicate to ask and it’s infuriating to be patient. And that’s where casual hookups come in. 

It’s enough to have someone you only have this one thing with that makes you understand each other and be comfortable around the other, like your language learning buddy or your coworkers. Someone you can still freely talk to but not have to get deep and heavy with or at least not more than what you share in common (hard to not  get deep and heavy if you’re both attending the same AA meetings for example). Just casual occasional conversation that doesn’t have to lead anywhere, that doesn’t imply an involving future in each other’s life. A bit shallow or superficial and maybe even pointless but it’s like a midnight snack or having sweets for breakfast, doesn’t it just make you happy? 

Important “Know”s

To know when to quit

To know when to leave

To know when to follow 

To know when to insist 

To know when to protest 

To know when to give up 

To know when to forgive 

To know when to forget 

To know when to believe 

To know when to repent 

To know when to not love 

To know when to breath 

To know when to cry 

To know when to shake it off 

To know when to thrive 

To know when you’ve learned to always be 

Nymphomania 

Nymphomania is a word often wrongly used. People with a lot of sex drive are called nymphomaniacs, prostitutes are also called that and people who just keep the door open for more and more people to get in are also called that. 

But in reality, a nymphomaniac is someone who can’t be sexually satisfied so he searches relentlessly for sexual partners just so he can finally climax. 

Being a nymphomaniac is a more like a kind of suffering and frustration than love a pleasure because no matter how much they seek it, it never lasts or worst, it never comes. 

Addicted to “being special”

With a straightforward face, 

With a shamed look, 

With dead eyes, 

With a big smile, 

I can mutter / I can easily say / I can finally utter / I can desperately whisper : I suffer from depression. 

While, in my darkest days, I’d wish for someone to understand, help, just talk or listen to me, I realized that I don’t want to snap out of the vicious cycle though. 

I remember someone asking me once if I could change anything about me, what would I change; and I remember answering nothing. Everything that turned wrong, ugly, or troubling are all parts of me that made me the person I am today. Idealistic answer and totally sincere at the time. 

Now, I just think that how common would I turn out without the migraine or my depression to differentiate me from others? Without maybe my poor relationship with my father, I’d just be another happy little girl within millions. If I never had experience some of the struggles I did because of my imperfections, I’d probably be one like many many too many other human beings breathing on this Earth. 
And it’s troubling to think that the only way to be unique is to actually burden something or have something more or less than the common man. 

Two big examples are college and teen supernatural / paranormal frenzies. 

To be able to attend a good college with great reputation, you’d need a curriculum vitae filled with skills, perfect marks, lots of involvement and more and more extracurricular options. Going to school ain’t enough to qualify for college, it’s an excuse so you can apply for one. What would be my chances to get in Oxford if I only got perfect grades, 2 or 3 club activities and no special skills?? None! Nowadays, college preparations begins at kindergarten with foreign languages, music classes, dance practices and participating in many competitions. I’m pretty much happy and blessed I didn’t have to live up to such expectations and still got into a good one, thank God for being a 90s baby. 

The new craze is supernatural powers or paranormal phenomenon. If toxic waste could be legally sold, it would become one of the biggest profits probably. Everyone wants to have superpowers, being able to fly or be abnormally strong or to read minds. How awesome would that be? The next big thing beside that would be to be possessed by some demon or to know about a parallel world that nobody knows about. Don’t talk shit to me, I can redirect death to your door, he owes me one. Being called freak or abnormal would be such a low cost to what possibilities you’d have access to. 

Compared to that, just being an ordinary human, living a normal life, going to community college or working full time on a hour pay job is so unappealing, and to some demeaning. 

I guess we all have to be special somehow, we all want to be like no one else.