I’ve been away for a long time, a very long time.
The reasons why :
- I was lazy (sure)
- I was getting frustrated with what I was writing and how it made me feel
- It’s more like a hobby or an outlet (so I do it when I feel like it)
- Because I’ve been slowly cutting ties with social media
Now, did it actually make me feel better? No, did I grow? Neither. Did it actually bring something positive in my life? Well, maybe, some rest.
I do believe that posting on WordPress had a good impact on my life and I also like reading, so I would be scrolling through the articles afterwards and it didn’t made feel insecure or bad about myself like social media does. I can read about people I know, total strangers, from people of all around the globe, with different concerns, different struggles, lifestyles or completely similar troubles. It’s fun, it’s reliable, it’s enjoyable, it’s a lot of things and being part of it also, by blogging, makes it somewhat surreal to me, even if I’m not really noticeable in that big universe.
Anyway, since I stopped posting, I had a lot of ups and downs, and weirdly I didn’t change. What used to mean to me that I was staying authentic to myself, now sounds like I’m literally not going anywhere in life. My social life is slowly deteriorating due to becoming more like an introvert out of any place that requires contact with people, my professional life is at a standstill with a job that doesn’t really fulfill me and I still haven’t, for whatever fear or reason, got back to college.
What’s wrong? Mostly everything with me, is what I’m thinking at this point.
But, as my birthday approaches (in a a few weeks), I’ve been thinking to hell with the party (only partyers would come anyway), no dinner, no gifts… The best way to celebrate my 25th year would actually be to have accomplished goals that I’d have set in the first place. If people asked me about my dreams, at best I’d say having a family and living comfortably. What used to matter to me was to be at peace with myself and God and I never had a plan to achieve that, it still matters to me but I’ve realized it was a vision and not a lifestyle, it’s something to look forward to after you’ve worked for it, it’s not something that would magically end up on my lap after a strike a luck… (I hope I explained it correctly). To summarize it, I’d like to dream, set goals, find a passion, wake up everyday to something, lose night over my future projects.
And I’ve very much sure that blogging will keep me accountable for that.
While my posts were an outlet and a recurring evidence of many troubling thoughts and doubts I had (depression and all), in the long run, it was tiring, my feelings either irritated me or made me feel like a fraud. I was getting more confused after reading each new posts and comparing with others suffering from the same illness only made it worse. I guess I got really emotional about it all and WordPress disturbed me pretty much at some point. Although I do recognize cutting the app from my life helped me for a while, in the end, it just pushed all of those thoughts in the back of my head; it wasn’t the one to blame, with or without it, those troubles didn’t stop happening. I was just running away. What I’m trying to say is however I feel about my mental health, blogging makes it clear to me at which point I am at each period, something I’m grateful for. Keeping track of what I feel, how I’m behaving, sometimes it confirms I’m not crazy, it confirms if I’m doing better, it shows my progress (forward or backwards) or at least it opens my eyes on some disturbing habits I do have. So having this sort of “diary” is something I want to do seriously from now on (by which I mean posting regularly, being organized and not running away).
So toast to that! My comeback and continuation!🥂🎉