With a straightforward face,
With a shamed look,
With dead eyes,
With a big smile,
I can mutter / I can easily say / I can finally utter / I can desperately whisper : I suffer from depression.
While, in my darkest days, I’d wish for someone to understand, help, just talk or listen to me, I realized that I don’t want to snap out of the vicious cycle though.
I remember someone asking me once if I could change anything about me, what would I change; and I remember answering nothing. Everything that turned wrong, ugly, or troubling are all parts of me that made me the person I am today. Idealistic answer and totally sincere at the time.
Now, I just think that how common would I turn out without the migraine or my depression to differentiate me from others? Without maybe my poor relationship with my father, I’d just be another happy little girl within millions. If I never had experience some of the struggles I did because of my imperfections, I’d probably be one like many many too many other human beings breathing on this Earth.
And it’s troubling to think that the only way to be unique is to actually burden something or have something more or less than the common man.
Two big examples are college and teen supernatural / paranormal frenzies.
To be able to attend a good college with great reputation, you’d need a curriculum vitae filled with skills, perfect marks, lots of involvement and more and more extracurricular options. Going to school ain’t enough to qualify for college, it’s an excuse so you can apply for one. What would be my chances to get in Oxford if I only got perfect grades, 2 or 3 club activities and no special skills?? None! Nowadays, college preparations begins at kindergarten with foreign languages, music classes, dance practices and participating in many competitions. I’m pretty much happy and blessed I didn’t have to live up to such expectations and still got into a good one, thank God for being a 90s baby.
The new craze is supernatural powers or paranormal phenomenon. If toxic waste could be legally sold, it would become one of the biggest profits probably. Everyone wants to have superpowers, being able to fly or be abnormally strong or to read minds. How awesome would that be? The next big thing beside that would be to be possessed by some demon or to know about a parallel world that nobody knows about. Don’t talk shit to me, I can redirect death to your door, he owes me one. Being called freak or abnormal would be such a low cost to what possibilities you’d have access to.
Compared to that, just being an ordinary human, living a normal life, going to community college or working full time on a hour pay job is so unappealing, and to some demeaning.
I guess we all have to be special somehow, we all want to be like no one else.