There ain’t no material things in the world
That can change the fact that you feel alone
Despite the fact that it gets hard,
You take it all and you still go
Take the sun and you still grow,
Lose the light and you still glow
I been there,
I’m still here
and I know how you feel, so

Angel Haze, Battle Cry

In Your Honor

I felt like I should go
But I don’t want to put up a show
I know we didn’t know each other well
And I know we don’t share the same blood
But still.

You were always welcoming and nice
Whenever I see you, you’d always have a bright smile,
To think that you’d be in such a dark place,
That you’d feel no way out than to pull that trigger.
Maybe it was in the spur of the moment,
You were so sad and angry,
You saw the gun
And through those tears of fury,
You thought, I’ll make her pay and let her live with that
Maybe you were tired of living through hardships and difficulties
Maybe you didn’t even think too much and just acted.

My dear cousin,
When the bullet blew your brain,
That’s how my mind got blown
When I knew.
When I knew,
How your mom’s heart stopped when she saw you laying on the floor,
With the same intensity, my heart skipped a beat.
How the night got suddenly silent after the gunshot,
As much I remained speechless,
When I knew.

To think that someone like you
Were so determined to end it all,
To think that someone like you
Would be affected by life that much.
To think that maybe your biggest smile
Was your best disguised grin.
To think that only the kindhearted are going
And the psychos are multiplying.

I will not attend your funerals,
Your mom will see enough strangers as it is.
But I did want to pay my respects,
And as an attempt of my desire,
I came with this eulogy.
I will miss you,
Although my heart captured your smile.
Just know Alex that I truly,
Really,
Respectfully,
Hope you will get to a better place.
May our prayers give you peace
And may God see through your pain
And wash it all.
I can only believe that you will finally be happy, in the arms of the Lord.

Struggling with chemicals

I have to confess that all that will follow came from my apparently fertile imagination.

Stephane hadn’t reached out to me for a while now.
As hard as I was trying to keep my cool. I was getting worried. Heck, when he doesn’t talk to me on a daily basis I get stressed over him, so you might understand how uneasy I feel right now. I want to contact him but my stupid pride, yo! Why did I had to say all those things to him!?  If it wasn’t for that, I could show up at his house right now.
Oh yeah! Excellent idea! I’ll go spy on him, see if he’s at home, how he’s doing…  It doesn’t get better than that!

Maybe you could show up, admit that you care too much to leave him alone, take his crappy apology and continue how things were.

No! Spying is way way more better, I’ll keep my pride, Stephane will notice that I’m not joking and he’ll take my threats seriously.

And he’ll stop gambling his life away? Yeah right!
OK then, sigh, have it your way. But I know you’ll crumble eventually.

Spying from the road is too far but I can’t enter the property either. How am I going to do this now??  Ah! I know, I’ll knock and he’ll have to come out for sure. This is so brilliant!! It has no downsides!

Sigh, what a dumb plan. Why don’t you just call him already?  Pretend it was a mistake or whatever.

Ignore. Ignore…
I’ve been knocking a while now. I know he’s there. It’s his consumption hours, he always does it in his happy place at home.
Why isn’t he coming over then? What if…!?  No, no, he knows that he has to behave, he wouldn’t…!!
Answer! Answer!
Oh damn now I really have to call.
Come on, pick up! Pick up the freaking phone!
Oh Gosh, what the hell, I’m going in!

Oh my!  Didn’t I told you sooo?

Where is he?  The living room is empty, the kitchen is clean, the bathroom is sparkling from my last hard cleaning. Hadn’t he used these rooms since I cleaned and left??

Oh God, this is bad. Even I, am sweating.
We lost too much time acting like idiots outside.

His room, quick! Woah, it’s empty. It’s like no one ever been there in days. Oh my God, where are you??

STEPHANE!!!!

Why isn’t he answering??
Maybe he’s not at home. Did he move or prefer to do it elsewhere now?

Oh crap, that kid will be the death of me! Why does he not listen to me? 

Think! Think! Think!
Oh there’s that space they used as a storage. Let me check there.

Less talking, why are you even fast walking!? Just run damn it!

I should have guessed. It’s locked. I need something. Quick.

The rock. Just throw it.

No good, metallic door.

Um… There’s like tiny spaces they left on the wall, to let the room breathe at all time. Just try to look if he’s inside.

Yeah, logic, he might not even be… There’s definitely someone in here. I see a leg lying on the floor.

THE HAMMER. It’s like the one they use in the constructing sites.

Tear that wall down!!

I can pass through that. Oh my God, it really is him.

Oh no, he did it again. No… He did worse.

Stephane, I have to get you to a hospital.

Of course, I came, I could never abandon you. You’re like a br… You’re my little brother!
No, I didn’t leave you. Please don’t talk to much. Baby bro is on his way, he’ll take us to the hospital.
I know, I love you too. Just hang in there. Oh my God, his eyes are whitening.

Baby bro please hurry. He already got a heart infection, if he doesn’t get treated quickly, he’ll… He won’t survive.
Please don’t let these tears be permanent.

Hey! Hey! Don’t close your eyes, your sponsor is almost here. It will only get better from now.
I won’t ever leave you alone. I’ll take you to a specialist, so he can deal with your dark thoughts. I’ll hire a lawyer so I can legally take care of you. I’ll help you get away from all this. We’ll get you clean.

Oh God, he’s only seventeen. He can’t die of this. I’ll never let him touch those stuff again. I promise.

I promise. Please give him back. I’m self-conscious of my mistake. My conscience has been annoying me since I stopped talking to him. But please, don’t let him die.

If only I had convinced you earlier.
He wouldn’t be laying here, because of an overdose again.

Love Phenomenon

Crossing my mind lately is that whole soul mate thing. Around me, people are either getting married, in a committed relationship, or searching for someone serious. Between fairytale weddings, model couples, and sheer joy spreading in the air because of mutual love, it’s easy to feel like something’s missing if you’re single and, all around, people are starting to reconsider their decision of being alone or not attached. This might even stir up bitterness in you if you’ve been searching and waiting for that special someone for a while now.

image

And what can I say to defend myself for falling into that love trap? probably nothing convincing. Worst part is people have been dying a lot lately, whether it’s from natural or forced death; and it only made you more inclined to find love before its too late, I mean what if your one and only love happened to die before you even met him/her?
Now now, I might sound a bit dumb and influenced here but hear me out. Without adding Valentine’s Day coming up soon, the idea of being sincerely, undoubtedly and completely loved as the best feeling in the world is spreading and infecting my environment way more quickly then any virus. The new fragrance à la mode is romance, how can’t I seriously not awe when I see my friend’s husband struggling to make dinner and getting us to keep her busy so he can surprise her for an unplanned date night?? What cold-hearted person wouldn’t seriously not feel touched by that woman offering flowers to her husband to apologize for fighting dirty the other night with him? I mean it was so unexpected and sweet the man blushed! How can you not melt before two people sharing a kiss oozing love, understanding and literally saying I can’t live without you? Thing got so serious, even couple holding hands or gazing at each other get you all teary. This fever is literally too much to handle.

image

Which got me into some serious thinking. With all this cheesy atmosphere, I’ve even dreamt of my Prince Charming. When I woke up, I knew it was too late, seems like I need someone around. As a rational person, I had a lot of algorithms going on which ended in my perception a bit calculated of love. But as a woman who had been raised the traditional way, I cannot help to want a lovely husband and perfect family, happiness comes from having created your own little atom of society. So the blend of those two sides of me gives a normal expectation of finding someone who’d love me and I’d love back. Naturally, I didn’t wait for true love to start dating or getting into relationships, but I kinda never expected them to last and always had my eyes out, waiting for that one get-the-fuck-out-of-my-life mistake. So when I caught myself dreaming of some man controlling my every thoughts and feelings, I ended up asking myself if there is really that one of kind person waiting for me out there to be happy. That man who could only grow and literally blossom by my affection. That man who will love me unconditionally, the man I would rip my heart out for.

image

Hmm, serious questioning here. Do I really have a soul mate??
I, personally, believe that there is someone fitted for me out there. My perfect match. A man that would bring the best out of me, that would help me beat my weaknesses and my fears, my stronghold and lighthouse. And of course, the one with whom I’d have the best mini versions of myself. But in the meantime if we spoiled our chances or never got to hit it off, well I won’t make old bones waiting faithfully. I don’t ultimately need a man to be happy but I sure could reach heaven with the right one. Which leads to that conclusion, the right man ain’t Prince Charming with his splendid hairstyle and gorgeous smile riding that magnificent white horse. My man is Prince Charming’s aspiration. And he doesn’t fit any stereotypes, he only matches me and I only match him.

He might die or disappear from my life but it’s a not an irreplaceable lot. If there’s something humans are perfectly able to do is love over and over again.
image

But, to sound a lot  cheesier than before, I’m more of a one true love of a lifetime kinda girl.
Which probably answers the question itself. I do believe I have a soul mate.
Now, where are you hiding??

But in the meantime,
image

Self Forgiveness

I read an interesting post about forgiveness, more specifically self forgiveness. But before going any further, let us first review the word’s meaning.

image

Self forgiveness would be the action or process of forgiving yourself. Quite simple.
Back to the post I was talking about, the author expresses her deepest shame and guilt of having done a friend wrong. Later on, she explains how those feelings have been eaten her up and how, although the friend could have forgiven her, the burden wouldn’t, nonetheless, be lift of her shoulders. Why? You’d ask yourself. Well, only because she never had forgiven herself for her offensive actions.
It made me think. I already knew how hard I was on myself. I reviewed all the times I bowed my head down before some people just because I felt so ashamed of having done something so bad to them, all the times I kept thinking how I dealt so badly with something and wanted to take it back. Remembered all the times, I could barely look at the other’s despising face whenever that person would lay eyes on me. And worst part is the flashback wouldn’t stop. I just kept finding and finding more memories of me acting disrespectfully, awfully, wrongly, horribly, badly toward undeserving people. I must sound like a real bitch right now. Truth is, I’ve been bitching around too much than I shouldn’t to. I surely need to polish my social kills. Most of the times, I would sincerely repent and apologize but even though that person would have forgiven me and moved on, I’d still be unable sometimes to look at them without feeling out of place and embarrassed. I’d talk to them like I usually do but would be blocked somewhere. It was pretty obvious now, I had scarred myself. Some ugly deep scars that would sting, bleed and open up sometimes. And I had learned to live with them, getting used to the itch and pain, applying some ointment later. I never really thought of getting rid of them. The burden was deserved and I should learn from my past errors and these were the perfect reminder. It was absolute certainty that I needed forgiveness though and I would rely on God, comforting myself that if I beg His forgiveness, and I know He will grant it to me, then I wouldn’t need anything else, because everything else is retribution and punishment.

Psalm 103:8-12 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.

However, that blog kinda made me think out of the box. She wasn’t wrong, wasn’t she? Forgiving others takes a whole lot of strength out of us but it gives us peace and tranquility, so it’s pretty logical to make a spring clean and get rid of those skeletons in my closet. Therefore, I decided to surgically remove those scars. Nevertheless, those scars, as trees, have deep, solid roots. It would take all my energy and will to successfully carry out my mission.

image

And Gandhi couldn’t be more right. Getting back to the definition, you can see the synonyms include absolution, indulgence, dispensation and mercy, keywords that I would like to draw your attention to. These words reflected pretty much what I had to do :
be indulgent on myself (I won’t stop making mistakes, there’s so much a human being can avoid)
dispensation (erase those poor actions, they do not necessarily define me)
seek absolution (I can and must forgive myself)
– have mercy
Sometimes I’d feel like I would only be giving myself excuses, excuses for not being too careful, so carefree with my words and actions. In times like that, I’d turn to this quote :

Be courageous enough to forgive yourself; never forget to be compassionate to yourself.
Debasish Mridha

I finally understood that compassion toward oneself is not weakness, it’s acceptance and freedom from my sins. Because forgiving ourselves has the same effect than God forgiving us :

Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.

Isaiah 1 : 18

Ultimately, in the words of a Christian website out there : “Forgiving yourself is essential. There is a tendency in all of us to hold ourselves more accountable than we do others. […] Perhaps you believe that forgiving yourself is not even a consideration because you think you must hold yourself in a state of constant remembrance, lest you forget.” […] But “Unforgiveness of oneself will bring self-destruction, a haughty spirit, and a fall.” […] Only “Forgiveness will bring peace.”

The post I was referring to :
The Power of Forgiveness –
http://wp.me/p5Tzxn-1f
The site I was referring to is :
Forgiving Yourself
http://http://www.allaboutgod.com/forgiving-yourself.htm