Loving can heal,
Loving can mend your soul,
And it’s the only thing that I know
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of you
And it’s the only thing we take with us when we die

Photograph, Ed Sheeran

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Living the Barbie store life

I read every single letter, every little detail, every punctuation.
I agree to the terms and conditions.
I will be leaving my head and heart.
I will accept your owning of my person.
There is only something I wish though,
Please don’t let me leave my sisters
(Take one or two with you),
Please take Ken with you too.
I also can’t live without the pink convertible
And life would be so much easier with the house…
I really hate amateur sewed clothes
And please pick the right color of shoes,
The Plastic Collection has them all.
My hair is not for testing and attempting weird hairstyles.
After all I have my pride,
If you can’t agree with that,
Take that “Brat” or “American something” with you.
But I know you’ll want me,
After all class is spelled with Barbie.

Karma – Part 2

My stupid greedy thoughts got me here, I kept thinking, it’s fair punishment. So I did the right thing, I went to my parents and told them everything. Fortunately my aunt was there too and she was of a great support. They didn’t scold me or yell at me but dad did tell me to go wash my sins at church, this makes me smile every time, he’s such a righteous man. They told me not to worry about the money, they could afford half the tuition, they said to make amends with myself and keep doing everything right, someday along the road, I would see the results. I was glad, dinner was lively but mom and dad looked tired though so my aunt told them to go get some rest and that she’d take care of the dishes, naturally I offered my help. I was wiping the plates when she asked me if I saw something unusual about my parents. They looked the same to me although mom seemed a bit pale and dad tired. You have a good eye, she said while smiling. She then explained to me that mom contracted some really strong virus and that she was weakening. Soon, she’ll have to quit her job because she’s less able to withstand normal activities, the doctors are worried, her immune system shut down. She then said that dad had been taking good care of her but it took a lot of his time and he got downgraded at work because of it, apparently his supervisor is thinking of making him retire early. I was pretty shocked. So shocked and confused that the plate slipped but auntie got it in time. She brought me to the nearest chair and made me sit. She kissed my forehead. You must have figured that to raise the money of your tuition would literally kill them, she then added. She looked at my teary eyes and said it was normal to make mistakes in life, that my parents current situation had nothing to do with me nor my actions but that unfortunately I could not count on them this time. I will have to gather that money by myself, she said. She told me not to worry, she’ll take good care of my mother so my father can work properly while he still have a job, that’s the reason why she’s here. She told me that my parents were about to tell me but they kept it for themselves when I confessed all my problems.
I understood that I should keep my mouth shut about our little discussion. I stood up and told her not to worry, I would do what I have to so I wouldn’t be a burden to my dear parents. She smiled at me then said “I know… Think carefully about what you have to do. You will make friends all along life but you’ll never get other parents. The path split in two from now on, will you choose to get a good degree and help providing for your family or will you be grateful to some people you just met?”
I looked suddenly at her, was she saying that I have to… doublecross the girl? She didn’t say more and went out saying she was getting smokes.
I was too confused to cry, I started thinking of the many ways I could help but I could only think of one. It’s like she had poisoned my mind. My head was pounding, so I went to get some pain killers. While walking by my parents’ room, I felt the urge to see them. Luckily the door was half closed, I could see them without them noticing me. My mother was laying in bed, pale, breathing hardly. My father on the other hand was watching over her, fighting not to sleep, eventually nature won and he fell asleep aside her. I entered the room, stood by my mother’s side and just like that as the first tear dropped on her cheek, my eyes started overflowing. I sat down and cried and cried silently. I gently wiped my mother’s cheek, it was a bit cold. As I was about to turn away, her hand gripped my shirt, she was smiling at me, her eyes telling me not worry. I wiped my eyes, kissed her cheek and smiled back. I hold her hand until she fell back asleep. I put it gently on the bed and got out of the room.
Her smile… I’ve decided, I don’t ever want her to stop smiling. I don’t want her to not be able to smile again. Never do I want to look at her straight face on a coffin. She mustn’t worry. I will take care of her too.
I’ve decided. I’ll choose my parents no matter what!
I went to my room and wrote them a long letter on how they didn’t need to worry about me, I’d raise money for my tuition somehow. I’m determined. I will graduate, I’ll work hard, I’ll come back as much as I can. I won’t let you down. I will make you proud. Keep taking good care of yourselves. I didn’t even spend the night. I immediately went back. I asked my supervisor for more work time which he agreed on. I put my heart on my studies. For the next three months, I spent my days and most of my nights between work and studying hard. My grades went up, my work was well done but I, on the other side, was slowly dying. I was spent. I had not one ounce of energy left but I had to keep going, the tuition money was hard to complete. My roommate was really worried but she didn’t say a word. I could see it in her eyes. One day she offered me a load of money, money she was saving to buy a home for her new family. I couldn’t accept, I replied. I can’t take your money. I don’t want to owe you. [As if I knew…] She smiled and said she understood, she never brought it up again. The next morning, I was called in my supervisor’s office, he told me that my roommate and him were really concerned about my health. He asked me what was going on. I told him I needed to work to pay my tuition. He asked about my parents. I briefly informed him about my mom’s situation. He nodded then told me he would talk about it with the manager, maybe they could come up with something to help me. I thanked him and out of the blue started crying. Tears were dropping without my consent, I was so relieved. He offered me a tissue and told me not to overwork myself too much from now on.
The next morning, I got called at the Dean’s office. He was glad to see I had achieved my goals, they will still keep me on a half scholarship for next semester but if I keep the same pace, I would eventually get it all back. He apologized for his ruthlessness the last time and asked if my issues got resolved well. After a pep talk on life, he congratulated me and encouraged me. I was so glad, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. My phone started buzzing, my aunt was calling. My mom was hospitalized. I rushed back home after leaving a note for my roommate. When I got to the hospital, I ran to my father, crying in his arms. He hold me tight. Not saying a word either. The doctor came and suggested a bone marrow transplant. We all got tested and only I got a positive match. Unfortunately my unhealthy lifestyle caused a severe anemia and I was therefore unable to donate for a couple days. It didn’t matter though because I was able to save mother. I went back home that night, ate well and went to sleep early, I wanted to get well soon. First thing, tomorrow morning I went back to the hospital. Mom wasn’t in her room and I couldn’t find dad and my aunt. I had to ask the nurse at the reception.
Ah, the patient in that room. Her body gave up last night. The doctors couldn’t save her. She was moved to the morgue. I’m sorry for your l… ” I lost consciousness. I woke up in my mother’s room. My father sighed of happiness. My aunt was restraining from smoking on the corner. I couldn’t talk, I cried. My father hugged me and my aunt was already crying. The funerals were simple, we didn’t exposed the body, my father couldn’t stand to see her dead face. He got her cremated. My aunt put that beautiful picture of my dad and her holding me in the hospital room at my birth. She said that’s what mom wanted. Halfway through the ceremony though, my father started sweating, as mother one week ago, he collapsed. Also as her, he’d never come back, the heart attack took him away. I lived the second funerals as a fogged memory. I just stood, sat and talked when I had to. People were talking about how I was the reason my parents overworked themselves, how I was probably the one who dug their graves. My aunt stood by me strong and comforting, her arm always around my shoulders. She took me home and made me sit in the living room. She lighted up a cigarette but couldn’t smoke it. Her hands were shaking so much. I guess it was really though on her too. We made small talk, she said how nice it was of my roommate, my supervisor and my friends of college to have come to both the funerals. She offered a strong drink, sighed loudly then put a big load of envelopes on the table. I looked at her. Her gaze was dark and cold. I’m sorry, she said.
I tried to help, but as an independent artist, I can do as much. Those are all bills and debts your father took to help pay your mother’s treatments. His work will be sending the money soon but it will barely cover a fifth of them. You should use it to pay back the mortgages though, your father took one unaware that your mother had already taken one. I hope it will suffice. As for the rest, you should definitely get advice from a lawyer and pay a visit to the bank. I can’t be here for you. I have a lot of events to attend back home, my finances depend on those. I’m really sorry.”
She then took her coat, disregarded her pack of smokes and left the house. This would be the last time I’ve ever saw her.

I see my life sometimes and I ask why
My heart became like stone and turned to ice,
Tell me what have I become?

Walking On The Stars, Group 1 Crew

Keeping track

We all have know a Gossip Girl / Boy, don’t we?
We all have someone we know that we can go to if we want to know what’s going on with the others, someone that we’d rather die then let him/her knows what’s going on with our lives.
That special someone who specializes in getting information and redistributing information as it pleases her/him.

But those people have friends right?  Close friends, even best friends.
Dealing dirt and spreading rumors kind of became part of their character, we, I, can’t seem to dissociate it from who they are.
They feed on secrets, hunger for hidden truths and their tongues twist words on a perfect logical unquestionable sentence.
Of course, not everyone is the same, some are at a low level while others are so into it, it scares you to death when they come to you.
Gossip Girl / Boy is solely interested in all that’s going around, making him / her aware, attentive and observant. Sneaky, discreet and sometimes invisible, he / she goes unnoticed so easily.
They are great for research or public official matters careers.
It’s so easy for them to make or break you, they’re the human flesh social media.
They kind of encourage a Rosewood ambiance everywhere they are : got a secret, better keep it, well this one you’ll save, better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave….
Can you stop them from figuring out what you don’t want others to know?
Do you have to have a cache, way where they eyes can’t reach?
Can we ever go back to transparency and being clear?? 

Karma (part 1)

Did you know that when you think of something hard enough it only gives you a bad headache?? 
Despite the fact that I’m fully aware of that inconvenience, I still overthink every single problem. Which leads, as you can imagine, to regular headaches.
Yesterday, I had to get a dozen different caffeine beverages for my superiors, although time is crucial, I somehow managed to waste 5 minutes in hesitating on going to the cheapest tasteless coffee shop which is near or the tasteful one which is like 5 jogging minutes away. Results, I was late, spilled one beverage in the run and had one stained shirt. I got automatically fired, this place was so strict even a 10 minutes late was considered a serious fault in my probation time. I’m not saying I wasn’t disgusted but I was also a bit relieved. Everything was fitting too perfectly and strictly, it’s like you were some automatic machine doing the same chores, the same ways, at the exact given time, with no probability of updates. I hate to say I’ve lost that challenge but it was certainly for the best, this place would have, soon enough, got on my nerves for sure.
On my way home, I stopped at the beach, there was some kind of local festival going, I felt like joining.  I bought a swimsuit and participated in many games as I could. In the evening there was a dance that ended in a beautiful launch of fireworks. Soon after, it started raining, hard. I was tricked, since I was getting wet anyway, I decided to walk home. It wasn’t really far but I had like 2 or 3 miles to go. When I got home, my roommate started yelling at me : where were you?  I called you all day! Why didn’t you answer your phone? Why are you soaking wet and wearing this top!?  What happened to you??  Are you having a breakdown!?!? 
I went straight to the bathroom, got into the shower and let the water slip on my body. I started crying, this situation reminded me of one I had experienced a long time before.  It was practically the same, could it be that I was getting punished??  Could it be that karma had put it target on me??

Some years ago, I hate remembering this, when I first got out of high school. I was a hard working student with really good grades and a promising interview that would probably lead to the first step to my dream job. I was confident, young and filled with dreams and values. I, evidently, nailed the interview but there was that other girl that did too and they said that instead of choosing one of us, they would offer the position to both of us. It started great, the girl was really friendly and intelligent, she would accomplish her tasks way before me and would often offer me help. I didn’t really envy her at the time because I would blame my tardiness, I lived pretty far from the company and I was, often, late.
One day my supervisor witnessed me entering the building at lunch time and I saw the reprimand in his eyes, it destroyed my day. I was worried they would dismiss me. The girl consoled me and kindly offered to stay at her place for a low payment. I was thrilled, my parents invited her for dinner and, after a long interrogation, give me permission to live with her. Everything went smoothly at first, she was a very sensitive girl, she did all her possible so I could feel comfortable. She was a very calm and peaceful girl, she wouldn’t go out at night, she would stay home reading books or watching some show, sometimes she would go out with some friends but that was mostly it. This is why I was so shocked when I met her boyfriend for the first time. Apparently he just flew from some hispanic country, they had met a few months ago when she went on vacation there. He was staying at her place momentarily but soon I’d learn that he’d be staying here for good. He was nice with me but I always got that bad feeling about him. Since he was an immigrant, the process so he could obtain his papers were rather long and uncertain. At first, he would stay at home with his girlfriend and tried to occupy himself by pleasing her but two weeks later, he was getting bored so he started going out with her, they would come back pretty tipsy, even drunk or high. I was getting concerned but my internship had reached its end and they offered to both of us a paid part-time job. I received an admittance letter from a good college not far of the company, I had no other choice but to stay. So I decided to talk to her, I told her everything that was worrying me, she said that she wasn’t pleased either with this lifestyle, that it wasn’t her and that she would cut back on the night life. She kept her promise but her boyfriend wasn’t really pleased with the idea, anyhow he cope with it at first but then he started going out without her. Eventually he got out of hand and derailed completely. He was coming home totally fucked up and violent. He started hitting her soon after and I started getting scared. I tried talking about it with my guidance counselor and he came home to talk to her. Even our supervisor got concerned but she would deny everything because she was scared they would deport him. One night, I heard her scream through the wall and called the police, turned out they were having “kinky sex”, the officers and I were pretty skeptical but what other choice did we have. The guy, though, didn’t appreciate me meddling at all, he threatened me so I’d mind my business and my business only. That’s when I talked with her about me moving out, she started crying and told me she was pregnant and that’s why she couldn’t let him go.

I sympathized but I couldn’t take it anymore but that was before the company offered me a promotion. It was paid and I knew I could soon find another affordable place so I stayed. I was minding my business and never interfered in their dangerous relationship. But the neighbors were thinking the opposite and one faithful night, he beat her so hard, I couldn’t just step aside. I knocked him with a heavy wood bowl, I took her and we started running but he recovered quickly and got to us fast, I started yelling for help, the transvestite from the other apartment came by with another man  and a baseball bat and putted us behind them,the latino looked at the two built men and ran away insulting and threatening us. That’s the last time I saw him for a while. I thanked the two men and they drove us to the hospital, it was a close one she almost lost the baby and her back, apparently he didn’t want the baby anymore and was trying to get rid of him, natural abortion he said. She finally reported him and he was so wanted in the building. Every single neighbor was supportive. But the girl got depressed and started lacking at work. With the post birthing depression it got even worse and soon she received a notice. She needed help and the job but she was in no condition to see it, I started taking her to some meetings, and some of the neighbors would help also and little by little, we were seeing results.
Some days after she started reading again, I overheard my supervisor talking with his boss, apparently my friend took the matter in hand at time, they were about to fire her and… give me the job! Her recovery was a good sign but she would be on some sort of inside probation. My job was great but having hers would be even better, and I started thinking and thinking and thinking…
And finally, against all odds, I decided that I deserved the job too. I mean, I always helped and supported her since that insane relationship, it was her turn now to do the same. It was pretty selfish to ask her the same now but she owed me nonetheless. Deep down, I knew it was wrong but I ignored that feeling. I came home late that night, it was my turn to drive her and since I was boycotting her progress, I needed her to start missing the meetings. However when I got home, it was pretty much obvious that she just arrived since she was thanking the babysitter. She looked at me and said that she went by herself to the meeting, she was making progress and she looked pretty proud of herself. I had a heart pinch but it didn’t bring down my whole resolution. She asked what took me so long and I told her that I had overheard the supervisor at work and that he was happy she got back on track. She showed that big smile, a smile of pride, satisfaction and joy. I hesitated but I, shamelessly, added that he understood that she was recovering and that the company would support her progress in any way possible, so now she could relax a bit and try to get through things little by little. She laughed and said that work will help her get through this, which I answered to by faking a smile. I went to my room, I felt really bad about what I was trying to do but also pretty disappointed, I realized that I needed to be serious about this or I would lose everything. I had an awful nightmare that night, I dreamt that my plan failed and that I lost everything : the job, the apartment, my college year, it was horrible. So I decided not to do it, after all I didn’t need a full-time paid job, college was already time consuming.
Several days later, I was called to the dean’s office. Apparently my exams were almost total fails and they were concerned of me wasting my scholarship by not keeping up high grades. I reassured them, telling them I had a violent roommate, but he interrupted me saying that multiple people here have deep problems but they still keep a more than average grade. He sympathized though with what happened and told me they wouldn’t take away all the scholarship but only half of it. He also added that it was obligatory to pass all my classes of the semester with more than 60%. He made it clear that I needed to get on top of everything.

Nobody here knocking at my door
The sound of silence I can’t take anymore
Nobody ringing my telephone now
Oh how I miss such a beautiful sound
And I don’t even know how I’ll survive

This Is What It Feels Like, Armin Van Buuren