Do you ever get that feeling that no matter what, your feelings are not that important? That your problems are not big enough? Like you’re taking the spotlight from people with real issues and heartbreaking situations? Like yours will never need the attention?
Am I being a drama queen for wanting people to sympathize to my troubles? Of course! Who knows what they might be going through! Even though my own issues almost strangle me, even if my feelings are weighing so heavily on my chest, I feel like my heart might stop beating any moment now.
I stopped writing about it, I stopped myself from thinking about it again and again, I take a deep breath, swallow painfully my saliva and push everything down because somewhere someone has to deal with worse. Someone has to make an unbearable situation work and has to push himself or herself through it all, and I’m thinking, where am I getting at? What am I trying to get from others anyway? It’s not worth it. Just shut up.
But there are times like now when I’m afraid of how much I get desensitise on things, of how bad I feel when nothing hasn’t really happened, of how irrational my thoughts gets while I’m smiling and how impatient I am for someone to notice something while knowing that no one will.
Isn’t it a big problem nowadays how we are dependant of SOMEONE? How we’re always waiting for SOMEONE? How SOMEONE has become our worst best friend, the one that we have so much expectations for but doesn’t care at all about us but himself? That person, that savior, that nobody, that non-existant humanized hope?
Well, good thing or not, it slightly bettered my relationship with God, I feel like my prayers are finally getting across a little. Isn’t it said anyway that the path to him is paved in hardships and suffering? Who knows that might be my cross.