I can’t smile 

Today, the sun is shining brightly. The birds are shyly singing from not too far, there are a few white clouds in this clear blue sky and all the colors seem to vividly pop. It’s the perfect get together day between friends and family. 

Reunited since a long time, there are some people here that I had completely forgotten about, their existence erased from my mind, so this little event was really nostalgic and welcomed. I reconnected with friends, school mates, estranged family, so much people that had slipped my mind. So many interactions, I got overwhelmed and got a little me time, sitting on a near lonely bench, to recover. 

It felt weird how this bench was put alone, half surrounded by flowers and half surrounded by a wall. I closed my eyes and relax but at this precise moment, I heard my name. I open my eyes and see him : my lovely, goofy boyfriend. A bit chubby, he’s nice, funny, average looking and so freaking friendly. He’s always surrounded by people and always gets you to do the most unlikely things ever. For example, on our first date, we went mountain climbing. To be quite sincere, I put on a brave face but I really thought I’d die. Oh God, the things you’d do to impress some boy but I really, truly, sincerely liked him already. 

He was walking to me, a big smile on his face then fell unexpectedly. He looked confused and brushed it off and so did I. We went back to the people but my eyes were always checking on him because I’ve been noticing a few odd things. First of all, he wasn’t smiling, it was the first time I never saw him grinning in more than 30mn. It kind of worried me. Second of all, he stopped talking, he’d briefly nod or say monosyllabic words but that was it. I thought he bumped his head harder than I thought and quickly suggest him to go to the hospital but he reassured me again that he was fine, only a bit tired from his all nighter at work the day before. I gave up but brought him home so he could rest and as soon as I saw his innocent sleeping face, I called an ambulance. It would have been impossible for me to move him so I opted for that easiest solution. 

They were pissed I called them on a hunch but the paramedics gave in to my pleas and drove him to the hospital. I talked to some doctor and as he was waking up, stunned by his relocation, the doctor made him do a few exercises. Which he couldn’t do at all. In a state of immediate emergency, the doctor took him to the OR and left me worried sick. I didn’t know what was going but I could guess that it was a grave concussion or something.

A few hours later, a surgeon came to talk to me, he explained that my boyfriend’s brain was practically swimming in blood, apparently, one of his arteries had ruptured. My shock was immediate, I felt so grateful that I had brought him here in time. The doctor said that the operation went well but he was still sleeping, recuperating. They couldn’t possibly inform me on the outcome of the operation until he opened his eyes. 

I spent days at his side, taking care of him, of the room, talking to him. Thankfully, I was on paid leave and his insurance as well as his work were covering the medical bills. I prayed and horrendously watched his brain decayed until the cerebral activity was no more. The doctors were short and brutal : there was no more hope. I cried, alone, beside him, alongside his family, with friends. They asked me what I wanted to do but I couldn’t just give up on him. “Whatever you choose”, I said, “I’ll always side with life, I’ll never lose faith, so you better not include me in the decision making cause I’m blindsided.”

They decided to officially end it all, he was clinically dead after all. As they unplug him, I was right beside him, holding his hands, keeping my tears to myself. Later on, while watching the empty bed, I wonder if he suffered, if he felt the agony of being out of air, if we did the right thing, if I did let them kill him, if I helped in condemning him to death before giving him the chance to struggle and reach out. 

His funerals were hard on me, I was surprised that I had more tears left to cry. It was held in a little church on a cold rainy day, everything seemed gray and lifeless to me… as he was… My tears were warm but couldn’t possibly rise my freezing body’s temperature. I shivered. I couldn’t believe he was really gone. I had lost him and I wished I was some kind of psychic so I could see or feel his spirit. I eventually accepted my lack of supernatural talent and gradually moved on but I never got him out of this cozy place in my heart. 

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