Worse than my depression is my migraine.
I’ve never been suicidal, I always thought how life, how the world would be better without me. How my death wouldn’t have any meaning, how my disappearance might relieve those around me. How people have been impatiently waiting for me to kick the bucket and mostly how my mind is dragging me in a whirlpool of darkness, trying to make me get rid of myself.
But I’ve always hung on because of my faith. I know that I’m troubled and I know that God won’t judge me for that. But I’ll still be accountable for my actions and killing is a big sin, whether it’s me or anyone else. That’s where I draw my limits. That’s why I’ve never sunk deeper before.
But being depressed and having a migraine, that’s a bad combo. It’s as dangerous as mixing pills and alcohol, it’s not going to end well. I’ve been suffering from migraines since childhood, the same goes for depression; who was there before the other, I can’t tell.
Migraines are horrible head pains that affect all my body. It hurts so badly that sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. If I let the migraine kicks in before taking the pills, it’s hard to stop it since I’ll be vomiting like crazy. Between the symptoms and the aura, every time my head throbs, which is like every micro second, I just want to end it all.
Recently, I had one of the rare moments when I thought that I was “used” to the drug. A few hours before, the aura manifest itself : I was dizzy, confused, my vision was blurry, my head was a bit heavy, I was getting weak and my body was becoming a bit numb. I didn’t pay much attention to it, whatever it is, I’ll deal with it when it greets me directly.
When it did, I felt so much pain, I thought all the veins in my head would blow. I could feel every heart pulse. I even thought of stopping my heart and I stopped breathing numerous times just to slow my heartbeat. I couldn’t hold my head, I couldn’t lay down because I always ended up vomiting, I couldn’t possibly see because opening my eyes was too much of a burden, it felt like they were about to pop out of their socket. I couldn’t speak, it only hurt me more.
At some point, I wasn’t even praying God for relief anymore, I was praying for Him to take me. I took the Advil Migraine as always and it didn’t work, I took a second one and it ended up on the floor with my puke. So I took a 1000mg powerful analgesic and, surprise, didn’t work either. At this point, I had already taken 5 different drugs and finally felt a bit sleepy. I could feel myself relaxing enough to be able to sleep when suddenly someone made a loud noise and my slight relief flew away.
I fell on the ground, through the pain, I could hear what my mind was telling me. “You’re paying for everything you’ve done. You should embrace it, it’s your punishment and if you really feel that bad, just take the other 1000mg pill, it will end it all.”
I cried and my mom was worried. She thought it was about the pain but more than that, it was about the struggle. The struggle to not listen to what seems like the voice of reason at the time. And sometimes, I regret it. It would have looked like an accidental overdose. But I didn’t have the courage to do it
And I’m not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.