My absence 

I felt under the weather. I pretty much shut down. I haven’t been that isolated in a long time. And this is one of the times, I was a socialite bee, I haven’t socialize that much in a while too. Smiling, laughing, pretending to be okay, to the point of actually not caring about my situation. 

I’ve been staring into space like air was a study subject. I didn’t have the energy, the motivation to talk at all about it, to write about the struggle that just seems to have become part of me now. It’s like I’m myself when I’m depressed now. 

I don’t think I deserve happiness, I don’t think I can find happiness, I think that the me that’s faking joy and normal it’s the me that’s here to stay. And I’ve just lost all the confidence and courage to bring this up again. Every time I talk about it, the person doesn’t ever understand what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking. The more light or longer it is, the more intolerant they get. “You aren’t done with that already? Seriously? How big of a pity party can you throw for yourself? “

I’m not normal I know. But nobody noticed. Nobody acknowledges my depressing words and I don’t blame me because in my head, they’re throwing rocks at me until I die, so this is a much better situation. 

I don’t sleep much because I dream of my downfall, when I close my eyes, I’m seeing my horrifying death. When I talk to people, I get tired so quickly and then I get some time alone, but instead of relaxing I’m feeling abandoned and unwanted and rejected. It doesn’t even make sense anymore. 

I’ve been having anxiety and I’m stressed to the point my heart is basically jumping in my chest on a daily basis. I’m trying to postpone everything and that caused so many fails, falls and expulsions. 

Am I being full of myself? Am I just pretending to feel like shit just because I’ve doing everything wrong and failing lately? Am I just looking for getaways? Am I a miserable pitiful young woman? Am I even really depressed? Aren’t I just making all of this up? 

I can’t even think anymore.

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