I don’t know if I’m making any sense, if what I’m about to say is logical or if I’m only trying to cover for my actions, if I’m only making excuses for my weird behavior. I can only say for sure that it was what I felt, what I lived.
I felt like I was cornered, like I only had one way to go. Everything was blurry, shady, too dark to be seen. I remember sitting on my bed and gradually slipping to the floor. I remember seeing everything dark; black, dark grey and medium grey were the only hues my eyes perceived. I remember thinking I was going crazy. I remember yelling, crying. I remember having an anxiety attack, feeling like my heart was about to burst then I remember feeling empty, like my heart exploded, like there was a hole in my chest. I remember putting my hand on my chest and feeling nothing, not a pulse, not a beating, not a sound, nothing. And I remember, noticing that my world was mute. I remember trying to freak out but not being able to, I remember trying to feel anxious because I couldn’t freak out but not being able to. I remember tears rolling down my cheeks, only because I touched my face and felt water. I remember looking at it weirdly and tasting it, anticipating blood. I remember my sudden hunger for blood, mine, to see it flow everywhere and color my bedroom red. I remember wanting so much to see me drowning in my whole blood, thinking how the color would forever stick in my hair. I remember feeling the adrenaline rush in me and hearing my heartbeat after a long time. My heart was pumping blood like crazy, my hands became red, my head became hot. My thoughts were rushing around one idea, one idea only, the supremacy of only three words : Let. Yourself. Bleed.
Bleed until the end, bleed until the color repaints the room, bleed until you become the color, bleed until you can bathe in it. For the love of God, just bleed for the sake of it, bleed until there’s nothing flowing anymore, just bleed.
I remember my mother, entering the room at this moment. I remember her screaming at me -my two hands on my head, head down, still sitting on the floor- for forgetting to do something I promised her I would have done instead of her. I remember her storming out of the room, mad at me, talking loudly so everybody in the house could hear. I remember my shocked face, being suddenly dragged into reality, seeing life in color again. But mostly, I remember feeling awkward about it, the colors made me anxious and my mom wasn’t a person anymore but an angry shadowy ball, a hungry black hole sucking me in. I remember tuning out, turning deaf again, I remember getting lost until my mother hugged me out of nowhere. I remember her warmth, I remember the smooth sound of her voice, her sweet and spicy smell. I remember tasting her love, I remember bawling inside while trying my best to keep my tears to myself on the outside. I remember apologizing…
“Mom, I’m sorry, so sorry for-“, I said before interrupting myself so she wouldn’t notice my trembling voice.
“It’s okay honey, it’s alright. Everything’s fine. “, she said.
But mom, I didn’t mean it this way. I’m sorry I’m such a coward that I wouldn’t let my “red” out.