Did you know? 

If you’re asking me if I knew that I’d be alone 

If I knew that nobody would care

If I knew that no one would continually come to my rescue 

Then the answer would be what you expected. 

I never flirted with Death nor did I ever provoked it, I stayed far away from it although sometimes my thoughts seemed like quite an invitation for it to come meet me. 

If you asked if I knew that I was nothing special 

If I knew that there are more than thousands like me

If I knew that my struggles are like a joke to someone, dust to another and a dream to an other

Then my answer would make you quickly reply an I told you so

But I never knew that no matter what I do, no matter what I think, no matter what I say,  I could never feel like I belong somewhere. Even if it starts okay, at the end I’m less that or too much that or simply too ordinary and average. My problems get measured and classified and as their holder so am I categorize with them. I am no longer a person with troubles, I’m a trouble holding recipient. 

And when you don’t feel like you’re worthy it’s a warning, when you don’t feel like you matter it’s alarming but when you don’t feel like you’re a person anymore then you’re at the edge and there’s nowhere else to go. 

Right now all my sensors are red but I turned long ago to monochromatic vision, the world consists of different shades of grey but slowly the white is fading and the black will be all I see. 

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5 thoughts on “Did you know? 

  1. Flower Knots says:

    Very beautifully written! You’ve described the feelings of depression and suicide quite well. Depression is really hard to deal with. I hope things can and will get better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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