“Another one of her crisis”, she said

I was feeling down, I didn’t feel like going out but it was my friend’s birthday so she took us two to an event, she had been waiting for, to celebrate with her.
It’s not an unusual thing to party when it’s your birthday but I really didn’t want to leave my room. At this event, there were more friends of mine, I had a falling out with one of them but she was hanging out with more friends of mine so I couldn’t do anything but talking to her friendly, otherwise it would have been awkward for all of us.
And I don’t know if she did it on purpose or if she was clueless but she started hanging around me more, asking me to do stuffs together like dance or take walk together and stuffs like that and I would always say I couldn’t leave the birthday girl. Unfortunately, one of my good friends started snapping pictures of them having fun and, a bit jealous, I imposed myself on them and the other one felt maybe a bit embarrassed and said she did it with everybody. I realized the atmosphere and went back to the birthday girl who was being pampered by everyone. My good friend came to me and told me it was no big deal really and I shrugged, I didn’t want to remember what I just did. I went to the bar, getting myself a drink when the good friend came to me again saying that she talked to me earlier so we could snap one together, the ex-friend came by and said “don’t pay attention, it’s one of her crisis again”. I was shocked, I know what she was referring to and my good friend laughed like it was some silly comment.
But truth is I didn’t want to stay anymore or to talk to anyone cause what she said hurt me way more than if she had said some mean words.
What she was referring to was my big depression in December. By the end of December, I didn’t feel like going out, I barely left bed and only talked to people through texts. The ex friend came from a trip to Paris and wanted to see me but I said I couldn’t possibly welcome her (I hadn’t left my room for two days straight so I didn’t want people to see me either. But that friend came by dropping gifts and my father jumped on the occasion to get me out of my room and made me go meet her. I felt horrible, talked barely and was inattentive. When she left, a ray of hope shined through my dark thoughts as I looked at her gifts and I thanked God for having such a good friend. Little did I know that she was going all over town, complaining to every friend we have in common, saying that I was a capricious girl always having weird crises and treating people badly. How could I think she would do that when months earlier I opened my heart to her and told her I would feel down occasionally for no good reasons?? How could it possibly occur to me that she would badmouth me like this when I remember clearly saying to her, weeks earlier to her departure, that I started to feel unsociable, numb, indifferent, when I stated almost all the symptoms of common sadness and depression to her, warning her from the thing to come???
To see my other friends laugh so happily to such a “silly” joke made me realize that I could never be totally honest to someone. Why would I if you don’t even take the time to think and analyze my illness as it is and not like some stupid crisis to make myself seen or to gain attention? The others that didn’t know didn’t even think of how unusual and unfitting this comment was, what if I had told them, would they have react just the same and label me a capricious girl?  I’m almost sure of that. Is there no way for me to be completely naked in front of everyone without being labeled, judged, pointed and misunderstood?? Is the only way for me to join a group of people just like me?  Is that how far the general open-mindedness reach and how much tolerance can be shown?? 
Life sucks, the World sure is segregated.


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