I am frustrated!

I don’t think I’ve ever been so straightforward here.
I’m pissed and frustrated. I feel hurt and  stupid.
I don’t get why I’m still trying! This is so unfair. But it’s not like I didn’t know life wouldn’t do me favors. The idiot me just expected those who got closed to me would understand.
Yes, it’s hard to deal with. Yes, it strikes me weirdly. Yes, it makes me do the strangest and most stupidest things. Yes, sometimes what I do seems wrong.
But the reason why I confided in you wasn’t so you could rub it in my face, so you could call me selfish and spoiled. The main reasons I told you in the first place are here in that last sentence. But still, you did say them anyway.
So what, sometimes I get down, lower than the ground? If I could really avoid to make a fool of myself, don’t you think I’d avoid it?
I opened to you and told you how I’ve been having an incoherent behavior for as long as I can remember. I unlocked all the barriers so I could let you see past that superficial smile, those lame excuses to my antisocial behavior, the cornered me.
Yes, when I recover I don’t look like I’ve been through stupid shit torturing me inside my head, keeping me locked inside my room and attached to my bed.
So I explained the real reasons behind my red and swollen eyes, behind my daydreaming, my isolation, my sometimes secretive personality because I always thought it was best you never really know about it.
Well not that care that people find out but that you, my closest friend, reject me while knowing why, well I guess I was right…
It’s best when you don’t really know about it.
I can assume it, I can fight it, I can live with it, I can fake normal if I have to,
I suffer from depression, so what?

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4 thoughts on “I am frustrated!

  1. Gold Star Survivor says:

    Keep sharing your story, and telling others about your battle. Not everybody is going to understand, but there are MANY OF US out here who need others speaking up. When we hear somebody else talk of having depression, we are able to find a little more strength within us to battle our own fight.

    Liked by 1 person

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