Did you know that when you think of something hard enough it only gives you a bad headache??
Despite the fact that I’m fully aware of that inconvenience, I still overthink every single problem. Which leads, as you can imagine, to regular headaches.
Yesterday, I had to get a dozen different caffeine beverages for my superiors, although time is crucial, I somehow managed to waste 5 minutes in hesitating on going to the cheapest tasteless coffee shop which is near or the tasteful one which is like 5 jogging minutes away. Results, I was late, spilled one beverage in the run and had one stained shirt. I got automatically fired, this place was so strict even a 10 minutes late was considered a serious fault in my probation time. I’m not saying I wasn’t disgusted but I was also a bit relieved. Everything was fitting too perfectly and strictly, it’s like you were some automatic machine doing the same chores, the same ways, at the exact given time, with no probability of updates. I hate to say I’ve lost that challenge but it was certainly for the best, this place would have, soon enough, got on my nerves for sure.
On my way home, I stopped at the beach, there was some kind of local festival going, I felt like joining. I bought a swimsuit and participated in many games as I could. In the evening there was a dance that ended in a beautiful launch of fireworks. Soon after, it started raining, hard. I was tricked, since I was getting wet anyway, I decided to walk home. It wasn’t really far but I had like 2 or 3 miles to go. When I got home, my roommate started yelling at me : where were you? I called you all day! Why didn’t you answer your phone? Why are you soaking wet and wearing this top!? What happened to you?? Are you having a breakdown!?!?
I went straight to the bathroom, got into the shower and let the water slip on my body. I started crying, this situation reminded me of one I had experienced a long time before. It was practically the same, could it be that I was getting punished?? Could it be that karma had put it target on me??
Some years ago, I hate remembering this, when I first got out of high school. I was a hard working student with really good grades and a promising interview that would probably lead to the first step to my dream job. I was confident, young and filled with dreams and values. I, evidently, nailed the interview but there was that other girl that did too and they said that instead of choosing one of us, they would offer the position to both of us. It started great, the girl was really friendly and intelligent, she would accomplish her tasks way before me and would often offer me help. I didn’t really envy her at the time because I would blame my tardiness, I lived pretty far from the company and I was, often, late.
One day my supervisor witnessed me entering the building at lunch time and I saw the reprimand in his eyes, it destroyed my day. I was worried they would dismiss me. The girl consoled me and kindly offered to stay at her place for a low payment. I was thrilled, my parents invited her for dinner and, after a long interrogation, give me permission to live with her. Everything went smoothly at first, she was a very sensitive girl, she did all her possible so I could feel comfortable. She was a very calm and peaceful girl, she wouldn’t go out at night, she would stay home reading books or watching some show, sometimes she would go out with some friends but that was mostly it. This is why I was so shocked when I met her boyfriend for the first time. Apparently he just flew from some hispanic country, they had met a few months ago when she went on vacation there. He was staying at her place momentarily but soon I’d learn that he’d be staying here for good. He was nice with me but I always got that bad feeling about him. Since he was an immigrant, the process so he could obtain his papers were rather long and uncertain. At first, he would stay at home with his girlfriend and tried to occupy himself by pleasing her but two weeks later, he was getting bored so he started going out with her, they would come back pretty tipsy, even drunk or high. I was getting concerned but my internship had reached its end and they offered to both of us a paid part-time job. I received an admittance letter from a good college not far of the company, I had no other choice but to stay. So I decided to talk to her, I told her everything that was worrying me, she said that she wasn’t pleased either with this lifestyle, that it wasn’t her and that she would cut back on the night life. She kept her promise but her boyfriend wasn’t really pleased with the idea, anyhow he cope with it at first but then he started going out without her. Eventually he got out of hand and derailed completely. He was coming home totally fucked up and violent. He started hitting her soon after and I started getting scared. I tried talking about it with my guidance counselor and he came home to talk to her. Even our supervisor got concerned but she would deny everything because she was scared they would deport him. One night, I heard her scream through the wall and called the police, turned out they were having “kinky sex”, the officers and I were pretty skeptical but what other choice did we have. The guy, though, didn’t appreciate me meddling at all, he threatened me so I’d mind my business and my business only. That’s when I talked with her about me moving out, she started crying and told me she was pregnant and that’s why she couldn’t let him go.
I sympathized but I couldn’t take it anymore but that was before the company offered me a promotion. It was paid and I knew I could soon find another affordable place so I stayed. I was minding my business and never interfered in their dangerous relationship. But the neighbors were thinking the opposite and one faithful night, he beat her so hard, I couldn’t just step aside. I knocked him with a heavy wood bowl, I took her and we started running but he recovered quickly and got to us fast, I started yelling for help, the transvestite from the other apartment came by with another man and a baseball bat and putted us behind them,the latino looked at the two built men and ran away insulting and threatening us. That’s the last time I saw him for a while. I thanked the two men and they drove us to the hospital, it was a close one she almost lost the baby and her back, apparently he didn’t want the baby anymore and was trying to get rid of him, natural abortion he said. She finally reported him and he was so wanted in the building. Every single neighbor was supportive. But the girl got depressed and started lacking at work. With the post birthing depression it got even worse and soon she received a notice. She needed help and the job but she was in no condition to see it, I started taking her to some meetings, and some of the neighbors would help also and little by little, we were seeing results.
Some days after she started reading again, I overheard my supervisor talking with his boss, apparently my friend took the matter in hand at time, they were about to fire her and… give me the job! Her recovery was a good sign but she would be on some sort of inside probation. My job was great but having hers would be even better, and I started thinking and thinking and thinking…
And finally, against all odds, I decided that I deserved the job too. I mean, I always helped and supported her since that insane relationship, it was her turn now to do the same. It was pretty selfish to ask her the same now but she owed me nonetheless. Deep down, I knew it was wrong but I ignored that feeling. I came home late that night, it was my turn to drive her and since I was boycotting her progress, I needed her to start missing the meetings. However when I got home, it was pretty much obvious that she just arrived since she was thanking the babysitter. She looked at me and said that she went by herself to the meeting, she was making progress and she looked pretty proud of herself. I had a heart pinch but it didn’t bring down my whole resolution. She asked what took me so long and I told her that I had overheard the supervisor at work and that he was happy she got back on track. She showed that big smile, a smile of pride, satisfaction and joy. I hesitated but I, shamelessly, added that he understood that she was recovering and that the company would support her progress in any way possible, so now she could relax a bit and try to get through things little by little. She laughed and said that work will help her get through this, which I answered to by faking a smile. I went to my room, I felt really bad about what I was trying to do but also pretty disappointed, I realized that I needed to be serious about this or I would lose everything. I had an awful nightmare that night, I dreamt that my plan failed and that I lost everything : the job, the apartment, my college year, it was horrible. So I decided not to do it, after all I didn’t need a full-time paid job, college was already time consuming.
Several days later, I was called to the dean’s office. Apparently my exams were almost total fails and they were concerned of me wasting my scholarship by not keeping up high grades. I reassured them, telling them I had a violent roommate, but he interrupted me saying that multiple people here have deep problems but they still keep a more than average grade. He sympathized though with what happened and told me they wouldn’t take away all the scholarship but only half of it. He also added that it was obligatory to pass all my classes of the semester with more than 60%. He made it clear that I needed to get on top of everything.