Have you ever had one of these days when you wake up in the morning and everything seems right.
You wake up at time, the sun is shining but not too much, there is just the right amount of clouds in the sky so you can start imagining shapes, birds are chirping somewhere but not too far so you can hear them and even feel the need to look out the window to see where they are singing from.
Even before you open your eyes -you know, in this like supernatural moment when you are somehow conscious and can experience things but you’re still asleep- you feel great, you feel like everything is going to be okay, you feel all the good energies trying to reach your body, your spirit is in a high heavenly place and all you want to do is wake up and experience it consciously, you know, this moment when you can feel yourself smiling. Your body and your conscience are at ease.
Your eyes open and there is this festival of life and colors even if it’s dark and the curtains are blocking the light, even if the window is open and sunshine is overflowing in your room. You can’t even dare to blink so you don’t miss one thing but overall because you’re afraid this might be temporary. But your fear wears off and your eyes, during these brief seconds, are living a fairytale that is taking every sip of your eyesight. And your mouth, without even noticing it, takes part in the action, shaping Oh’s and Ah’s and you feel satisfaction, maybe even more, you feel fulfilled.
The need for all your senses to participate in this is overpowering you, so you get up slowly, you sit in your bed watching everything, hearing everything, trying to catch the single thing so your brain can understand what is happening and recreate it when you want and need to. You get on your feet and you could feel like dancing or singing or inventing or whatever.
You accomplish all your morning tasks like a professional, even the slippery soap, the burned breakfast, the bad coffee, this bad employee at the store, everything is possible and anything contributes to your good humor. At this point you are unbreakable.
I had one of these mornings, perfection seemed unpolished enough to describe this wonderful moment. But just when I’m accepting to live the dream, it hit me. I blinked twice and everything became clear, the sunshine, the sky, the birds, the people, all of it my imagination. It’s been so long since I got in touch with any, it’s pretty normal to create such beautiful vision, specially when you volunteered to your doom.
It had been years since I enrolled in the army, since the big war started, since I got captured, since I’m being tortured in this dark room.
As my friend Arthur said : “life is a constant fight, between doing the right thing and letting go to your desire”. I did the right thing, to protect my comrades I let myself captured; so they could all escape from this trap, my flesh and blood has been painting these floor and walls; so they could live on, my nerves and senses have experienced such sensible peaks; so they would be able to win this battle and possibly the war, my bones are no longer joined, straight and solid. Now that’s everything is over, now that my soul is being called, now that I can’t take no more, I don’t feel anything. I’m now leaving to my own terms. My friend Arthur might have been right, maybe you must struggle between vile desires and great values but now that I’m going, I’m letting all my desires overtake me. Those people torturing me are friends and family joking with me, this blood flowing out of my mouth is spitted coffee from laughing so hard, these pains and sensations I’m feeling all over my nearly corpse are the laughter taking over my body… I’m feeling kind of sleepy, I guess it’s time to pass away. Let me close my eyes to live all these feelings intensely.
It’s good to finally have what you want, even if it’s at the last moment…